So one day (I can’t believe I’m going to share this embarrassing story), I was getting gas at Costco and some jerk pulled in front of me at an angle blocking the center passing lane. I was stuck waiting until he filled his bottomless pit of a minivan gas tank before I could leave. With my windows up, as well as my blood pressure, I yelled obscenities at him. The nerve of this man! He then looked at me and smirked, at which point my hair turned a hotter shade of red. My windows came down and my voice rose up above the cacophony of gas pumps beeping, hoses squeaking, and nozzles nuzzling into tanks of cars waiting to be fed. He looked at me as he very slowly got into his car and gave me a, ‘I know I’m a shmuck and I don’t care’ look and drove off.
Evidently Zen Nancy had left the car and invading my body (a la Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost), was the next anger management reality TV star! This was clearly not my finest ten minutes, and as I rewound the scene in my head as I drove away, I wanted to rewind the clock and have a do-over.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our
power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our
freedom.” ~Viktor E. Frankl
While we cannot always control what happens to us, we can control how we react, or respond. None of us is immune to regrettable behavior, though we should remember it has more of an impact on others than we realize. Spreading words of anger or negativity is just as unhealthy as unwanted germs.
“Emotions are contagious. Harvard researchers found 25% of the average person’s happiness at any given time is a consequence of the emotional state of their friends.” ~ David R. Hamilton, Ph.D.
Learning from our behavior is true personal growth. Discovering how/when to express ourselves, and how to listen and respond are skills that should be taught in school. They are crucial to healthy relationships. Since the art of expressing oneself is a subject unto itself, for now I ask, do you react or respond?
I was once involved with someone (who shall remain nameless), who wasn’t a good listener/communicator. Subsequently, he would always have a knee jerk reaction whenever I would try to express how I was feeling. Reacting in this way made it impossible to have a conversation, let alone feel heard, let alone feel cared about, let alone ever obtaining any kind of resolution. Not a shocker, but this is one reason why the relationship didn’t work. We must listen to each other! I recently read a fascinating observation of the word, listen. If you do a jumble with the words, it also spells silent!
When someone is trying to talk to you, be silent so you can listen! Even if you don’t agree and want to make your point, don’t be thinking about what you are going to say next; just listen. When they have finished, then respond. To try and prevent an unfortunate reaction, it’s as easy as 1,2,3:
1) Take a deep breath and count to ten
2) Reiterate what you think they said to clarify that your perception is accurate
3) Think and Respond
Had I taken a deep breath at the gas station, I probably still would have yelled a few choice words, but perhaps I would have kept those unwanted germs inside the vehicle. We should remember how our words and our actions affect others. How we respond or react is our choice. Whatever you choose though, just remember, it’s contagious.
Your words ring true! I wonder how many times I reacted to something in my daily life, looked back and realized how inappropriate I was and how I could have handled the situation if I had just stopped ailment … Anger doesn’t help and we are all victims of those frustrating situations.
Miss Nancy,
Great article! It’s one to remember and embrace.
As they say in music or dance, “hold that note or movement” for a beat or two before continuing.
There is an “effect” of the pause that this creates. React or response, scream or take a breath.
Thank you for taking some of the ordinary things in life and bringing them forward.
I think that we all have knee jerk reactions to certain things, buttons that are bigger than others. This helps remind us to shrink our buttons down and make it so that other people do not have the ability to push them.
The key is not letting the “jerks of the world” control your behavior. Take a deep breath and try to rise above it. Be like a duck and let it roll off your back. It’s not worth it investing time and emotional energy in these folks. The more positive energy you put out, the happier you will be!
Great comments! Please share this blog with your co-workers and friends. It’s great to hear such wisdom from everybody!! It really helps to hear what we all have to say!
Thank you Nancy for another wonderful blog! It is so true…being angry is such a waste of energy. Nothing should be that important that we have to stoop down to the level of the jerks in the world. Being positive always wins!
Nancy, thanks for sharing that moment with us! This post really got me thinking…how DO I react/respond, especially when my little guy is with me? I’d like to think I respond more than I react to set a good example and all…but to be honest I react first most of the time.
For example, some one speeding in between traffic or LITTER BUGS (grrrrr, see? I’m doing it again). My first out loud reaction is a sarcastic, “okay dude, that’s right, you’re the road warrior…” If I can, I guess I respond by getting out of the way, but I react by grumbling a whole heck of alot about it, like a proper passive aggressive should. Or for that litter bug, “Shame! You bad Mr. Planet-Hater for shame on you! Look in your mirror so I can shame you!”
My inner voice is also always quick to chastise, “Michelle, maybe there’s family emergency and he’s trying to get to the hospital…you would do the same if one of your family members was hurt…” or “settle down girl, you’re not the police, and why don’t you go do something more pro-active about keeping the planet clean if it bothers you so much.”
It is a good reminder, breathe deep…after all, these are trivial things that we let get to us and like you said why counter with more negativity, it WILL have an effect on others in ways we don’t intend. And why be willing to waste all that energy on something not so great. Not only can we listen to those wanting to share with us, but we can ‘listen’ to the actions of others. LISTEN = SILENT (whoa, loving that by the way!), so…if we react first (opposite of silent LOL), we’re going to miss the lesson of that negative moment, and the opportunity to respond productively and more positively.
That’s my take away, see you REALLY got me thinking.
Beautiful!! I love it!
Craps…in other words…what Barbara, Nan, Soozie, Rachel, & Gary said too! D*mned if I didn’t react first and comment, before reading through all the comments first and responding 😉