In high school I was in a play called Curious Savage, which explored the challenges faced by a group of people living in a sanatorium. One of the female characters is not adept at expressing herself, but manages to show that she cares about her friend by telling her, as she’s about to leave: “Take an umbrella, it’s raining.” On the surface, she was merely reminding her friend to bring an umbrella, but in her own way she was saying, “I love you.”

When we’re young boys and girls we enjoy teasing to show we like each other. In my case, my first boyfriend in Junior High liked to chase me around the playground and upon capture, pull my long red hair. (I must give him a ‘shout out’ and say we’ve remained good friends to this day!) This type of formative flirty frolic is a precursor to prepare us for our more ‘mature’ mating rituals as adults.

Figuring out these rituals post-divorce has been a most interesting journey for me—hence the birth of my book! While there has still been some chasing and hair pulling (ya gotta read the book!), I’ve discovered that learning how we show that we care and how we need to feel cared for is a necessity.

The end of my marriage was the beginning of my self-awakening. Sometimes we don’t know what is most important to us until we are living without it, until we feel 
that void. Even though I had dated quite a bit before I got married, in retrospect, I wasn’t aware of how I needed to feel loved…until I realized that my ‘feeing loved’ tank was constantly running on empty.

Feeling love for ourselves, knowing our value and our self- worth is first and foremost.  Having the tools to be able to put ourselves first, feel happy, content, and self-fulfilled before even looking for a partner is a must. But we also want to love and to be loved by another.

Do you know what makes you feel loved? Is it by hearing the words, or receiving gifts? By having quality time with that special person, or by what your partner will do for you? If your partner tells you to drive safely because the streets are a little slippery, would you take offence assuming they don’t think you drive safely, or realize perhaps it’s their way of showing they care? I read the book The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, which helps the reader think about how they need to receive love, and how they tend to show it. I so wish I had this awareness before I got married because once one has it, it can then be communicated early on. If your partner is unable or unwilling to demonstrate love in the way you need, it is better to find out before making a life-long commitment!

We all know how complicated relationships can be. I think we tend to muck (keeping it PG) them up unnecessarily with our fears, laziness, or inability to make the effort required. I’ve come up with 5 steps that I believe will increase the chances of bringing to us the type of people we need in our lives:

1- Self Awareness: Know how you need to feel loved and how you want your life to look.

2- Communicate & Listen: Convey this information and listen to the response, it will be telling. Then do the same for your partner.

3- Provide it!: Do what your partner or friend needs if you want to maintain the relationship!

4- Be compassionate and understanding: Realize everyone receives and perceives differently.

5- Don’t rationalize: If people can’t or won’t provide what you need, move on!

Five very simple, but not always easy steps to follow. However, if you want to experience mutually fulfilling relationships give it a try!

And… don’t forget your umbrella if it’s raining.

Dictionary.com says: Happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good. A line from a song in the musical Wicked says: “Because happy is what happens, when all your dreams come true!”

While I value the accessibility of dictionary.com and I adore Wicked, I don’t think these are the most accurate, or empowering definitions of happiness. I believe these enable the common thought process of I’ll be happy when….

“Obtaining happiness, like balance, seems to be a universally never-ending process. We’ll be happy when: we have the better husband, wife, car, job, clothing, house, lose ten pounds, or get that part in a TV show. Our eye is only focused on the prize, not usually on the adventure getting to the prize. Ironically, once we get whatever or wherever we want, there is always something else, something more. The trick is to be able to find happiness the way things are, even if circumstances aren’t exactly how we envisioned.”(Excerpt from You Want Me to What?!—The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

Is it possible to be happy when circumstances in our life are not how we want them to be? Can we still be happy when we’re unemployed, sick, or in the process of a divorce? The answer is… yes! For most of us however, positivity is the underdog when put in the ring with heavy hitters like worry, resentment and anger. We don’t have to choose to let negativity tap us out  (MMA term for when your opponent has you in a chokehold about to make you lose consciousness) and be victorious. We have a choice. We may not always be able to control what happens to us, but we are able to choose how we think and how we react.

Just last week Valerie Harper announced that she has 3 months to live. Her attitude is unbelievably inspiring:

“I’m alive. I’m feeling good. I’m trying to live every moment as much as I can.” I can’t say it’s terminal. I’m saying it’s incurable so far, but we’re all terminal. No one is getting out of this alive,” she says. “The key is, don’t go to the funeral until the day of the funeral.”

Living each day as if it could be our last may just help  in getting us to happy; and truly, all any of us has is right now. Perhaps if we did act as though it could be our last day, we would feel more grateful. (Studies of gratitude show that by remembering what we are grateful for helps immensely with depression.) Perhaps we would also appreciate the ‘ordinary’ things in life  more like a nice breeze, soft sheets, or the smell in the air after it rains. We don’t need to search for happiness. Just like in The Wizard of Oz, the courage, the heart and intelligence the characters were searching for were inside each of them the whole time.

“Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude.” – Dale Carnegie

By understanding and accepting that happiness is already inside us, experiencing it externally can occur more often. It is more work to resist the pull of negativity and make the effort to find the silver lining in your playbook of life. Are you willing to do this? Feelings of gratitude, forgiveness, appreciation, kindness toward ourselves, spending time with special people; these are all pathways to access our internal happiness button. So, what are you waiting for? Are you going to find your way there and push it?

©2012 Michael Pliskin / pliskindesigns.com

“Wouldn’t it be nice?! Why can’t life be filled with laughter, friends, and witty conversation all the time? When I feel frustrated with life, I want to be able to call my best girlfriends and go out for a drink whenever I need, whenever I feel like it. I want to go drink that drink, have a few laughs, feel better, and have all my problems solved in thirty minutes; well actually twenty because there are no commercials in real life. In addition, like the people on TV, I want to always have nice clothes to wear, hair and makeup done to perfection, eat out all the time but still be a perfect size, ‘I can wear anything and look good.’

“It makes me sad that in real life no one has time anymore. No time to get together for breakfast, lunch, drinks or whatever. Quick texts or e-mails have replaced actual human contact. These are the microwaves of conventional communication. Quick, easy and in less than five minutes, or less than 140 characters, you too can exchange a heartfelt sentiment, make a dinner date, or console a friend. Unfortunately, it just isn’t the same as a slow cooked conversation.”  (Excerpt from You Want Me to What?!–The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

In all the magazines there are articles about relationships with headlines like, 5 tips to having great _____, 7  ways to avoid ______, top 10 secrets to give the best _____! All of these gripping headlines are devoted to how to select, seduce, satisfy and secure a partner. One partnership that is often ignored in publications is that of friendship.

Friendships. Are friendships as we once knew them going out of style like letter writing, and home-cooked meals (that aren’t catered by Costco or Trader Joes!)? I know that in my own life, finding the time to get together, let alone talk with a good friend, is way more difficult than it should be.

Part of my recent sojourn up to the Bay Area included visiting a few old friends whom I haven’t seen in a couple of years. These friends have been with me through thick and thin, fat and thin …(well, that’s another blog!).  These friends have been in my life for almost half of my life. These friends are the ones who no matter how much time goes by, when I see them, it’s like we picked up right where we left off. While I was in town, they took time out of their hectic schedules to pick me up, shlep me around, take me for drinks and dinner, and most importantly share their time with me to catch up on our respective lives. Priceless.

It makes me reflect on my ‘Once upon a time’ friends… especially those I once considered best friends, the ones who I thought would be a part of my life forever. Instead they’re now apart from my life. It’s funny how a mere space between words and a different preposition changes the meaning so crucially. These are separations and divorces of a different kind, but the reasons for demise not so dissimilar: misunderstandings, lack of communication, betrayal, or just growing apart. I wonder how many best friends have gone to see a therapist or a relationship coach, such as myself, to work on a friendship? The bond of a best friend is rare and should be given the attention and maintenance this sacred relationship deserves.

How do we know who will be in our life for the long haul? My 101 year-old Grandma uses the analogy of a train ride. She says that on our train ride of life there are people who get on for just a while, then get off. Some stay for a bit longer but eventually exit as well. And some, stay with you to the end of the line.

Planes, trains and automobiles receive maintenance on a regular basis, or they could crash and burn. Why should we expect our relationships to keep on truckin’ without an extended service plan? Our valued friendships need to be nurtured so that we can continue to ride together on the track of life until the last station. Yes?

ron@compugds.com

“After my divorce I was living in the town of limbo, which was located in the land of uncertainty. I wanted a map to tell me how to get to a destination unknown, but one where there was good health, unconditional love, and financial security. Too much to ask?” (Excerpt from You Want Me to What?! –-The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

When I was young and frustrated with life, I’d close the door to my room and sing with Barbra Streisand; no actually I’d belt out her songs in full chest voice at the top of my lungs. The soundtrack to Yentl was a particular favorite; I suppose because the passion of a woman unfulfilled somehow soothed whatever angst aggravated my soul at the time. One song in particular that proved to be very therapeutic was “Where is it Written:”

“… Why have the wings unless you’re meant to fly? And tell me please, why have a mind, if not to question why? And tell me  where, where is it written what it is I’m meant to be…”

The frustration of not knowing my life’s direction was constant. Some of us know our purpose in life when we are young. Some take longer to figure it out, and for many, our purpose is ever changing.

Last weekend on a trip visiting family and old friends, (thank goodness for Bar/Bat Mitzvahs that keep us reuniting!) this subject came up quite a bit. I must admit it was comforting to know that there are many others who are contemplators of purpose or wondering, what is next?

It was obvious that this question had no age barrier, and making a transition in life at any age or stage is not easy. Pre-college kids were confused about their major and what they wanted to do with their lives; empty nesters were deciding whether or not to relocate, and how to reinvent themselves. Those mid-career were feeling stuck, unmotivated or scared, and seniors were figuring out how to move on after illness and death. The chatter of shifting lives and re-inventing oneself rang through the air as loudly as the party music.

While I often like to see what the ‘experts’ say, I think hearing opinions and insights from wise youngsters to seasoned seniors can be very beneficial:

• “You choose a path. Sometimes your path takes an unexpected turn. Sometimes you stay put for a while and then you go down another path. Just keep your eyes open for all opportunities.”

• “Follow your passion. There is work to be found in the area that you are passionate about. You may have to start at the bottom and work hard, but if it’s an area you love, you won’t mind as much.”

• “Don’t let fear, or fear of change keep you from pursuing what you want to do. It’s easy to rationalize and procrastinate. Don’t! Go for it! You’ll only fail if you don’t try!”

• “Do what makes your eyes light up and be willing to do the work and make some sacrifices. Do what brings you joy, not what you think you should be doing or what other people think you should be doing.”

• “I read that following your passion will lead you to your purpose. I think that’s true, even if it’s not what you do for work, have it in your life in some way. If your soul is fulfilled even by a hobby, you can withstand any job.”

• And a classic with a twist: Life is what happens when you’re not making plans!

The night I received my engagement ring many years ago, a waiter came to our table and said, “Bon courage swive la piste,” which means, with courage follow the signs. He told us we might get lost from time to time, but the sign- posts will be there. Okay, so it didn’t work for my marriage, but I do believe if we keep our eyes open we will see the signs that point where we’re supposed to go.

ron@compugds.com

“What is our purpose in life? How do we figure it out? How do we get on the right path? What if we don’t succeed? What if we fail? Too many questions of ‘how’ and ‘what if’ waste time and immobilizes us, clouding our vision and our ability to see where we need to be. Instead, be present in each moment in order to keep moving forward one step at a time. If we pay attention to where we are, we will be aware enough to see the signs and ultimately end up where we need to be.” (Excerpt from You Want Me to What?! –The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy, age 6 *

Growing up I had a poster of a much loved teddy bear who had a torn arm, a hole in its neck, and a transparent layer of material that had once been fur. The caption read, “Love Lasts.”  I kept that poster with me into adulthood, perhaps because I wanted to believe that through it all– although we go through rough times and our outer appearance may wear down– love can last. My teddy bear poster hung around long enough to see that my marriage was not destined to last forever. My hopes, however, of being unconditionally loved until, and long after I need new parts, still linger.

Finding ‘The One’ is over a billion-dollar industry. I guess that makes the answer to the question, “What is the secret to long-lasting love?” a billion-dollar answer! I’ve done much research on this subject by trial and error (lots of errors!), surveying people married for over forty years, and reading what old and young alike have to say.

Billy, age 4: “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” *

Harville Hendrix Ph.D., and author of relationship self-help books, mentions three things that help define a healthy relationship:

1)   “The primary hallmark of a healthy relationship is having the experience of emotional and physical safety with our partner. They are reliable and predictable and we don’t feel any fear or anxiety around them.”

2)   “We have an experience of a deep connection.”

3)   “When you are with your partner, you feel joyfully alive or relaxed into joyfullness.”

Karen, age 7: “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” *

Chemistry in a relationship is also important, as well as knowing the qualities we desire in a partner. However that feeling of safety and connection must be present to have healthy lasting love. To maintain it requires a lot, including expressing how you feel.

Jessica, age 8: “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” *

Every day I am able to meet all kinds of interesting people at work, so I decided to play ‘Woman on the Street’ and ask couples who have been married a long time, “What is the secret?” Here is a sampling of their answers:

“Be committed to making it work, no matter what.”

“Laugh a lot, don’t take anyone or anything too seriously.”

“Stick together in hard times.”

“Like each other.”

“Choose someone who is a good person.”

“Take getaways together.”

“Marry your best friend. Someone you’d be happy just sittin’ in the mud with. Everything else will eventually become less important.”

“Do as she asks. She’s never asked for anything unreasonable, and she’s always right. Just do as she asks.”

“When we got married, we both agreed that I would make all the major decisions and she would make all the minor decisions. Since we’ve been married, there have been no major decisions!”

Whether it’s out of the mouth’s of babes or the aged, it seems to be unanimous that lasting love is precious. Harville Hendrix puts it beautifully:

“When you read, ‘Here’s what to do to get your man to stay’ or to love you, there’s an outcome you want. In real love, you’re already in the outcome.”

Do you have any secrets to long lasting relationships you’d like to share? Please comment, and please forward this blog to anyone you think will enjoy!!

*Kids quotes source: www.redsoft.com