©Nancy Lang&pliskindesigns.com

To be honest, I do.

When Katie Couric’s talk show began, I was curious to see if she would be able to fill the hole that Oprah left in the Universe of daytime television. While I’m not sure that the planets are totally aligning with her star at the helm, a recent episode gave me pause regarding the concept of: Forgiveness.

On this particular show, people discussed how they were able to forgive others for shooting them in the face, or killing their daughter; situations none of us should ever have to encounter. It made me feel a bit ridiculous for getting my panties in a bunch over things that are trivial at best by comparison. On that same note, (the unimaginable aside), I feel that many of us need to learn how to put our big girl/boy pants on and get over it! ‘It,’ meaning whatever ‘it’ is that has pissed us off.

It’s true what they say, that we can’t control what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond… and how we choose to respond affects us in many ways. According to Fred Luskin, PhD, co-founder and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, forgiveness can lower blood pressure, heart rate, and reduce levels of depression, anxiety and anger. He says there are really only two steps in the process: grieving and letting go. You let go of anger and hurt by being mindful and focusing on gratitude and kindness.

Easier said than done, right? Instead of focusing on what we’re grateful for and feeling compassion, it is so much easier (and sometimes fun!) to imagine those who have hurt or disappointed us being slapped around and then devoured by a Tyrannosaurus rex. Admit it, grudges can feel good!

But not for long. Perhaps, for a moment, we feel better after seeing our fantasy of revenge play out in our mind, but ultimately the only person we’re hurting is ourselves. Forgiving others is difficult, forgiving ourselves maybe even more so, but holding on to the hurt and anger is not going to change what has happened.

I have slapped myself around (yes literally) many times for decisions I’ve made; for the ones that have inflicted pain on others, and for putting my trust in the wrong people. I was taken advantage of by someone in a position of authority when I was too young to know better, and thought I did. I dated and was conned by a shrink who said I was his ‘shaina madle’ (beautiful girl) while he was shtupping his patient; and bamboozled by a guy who wrote me poetry exclaiming undying love while secretly seeing five other women.

Choosing the wrong people can hurt, choosing the wrong place at the wrong time, can be deadly. I was held at gunpoint in a car with my mother and two close family friends outside our home when my daughter was eighteen months old. Thankfully, we narrowly escaped to the credit of our heroic driver, but I was afraid to drive at night after hearing the gunmen had raped and killed a college student a week prior. Forgive them….how? Forgiveness is tough and can seem impossible when we see heinous acts like we did in Boston, Newtown, and Colorado. Robert Enright, PhD, says, “The decision to forgive touches you to your very core, to who you are as a human being…It involves your sense of self-esteem, your personal worth…”

Deciding to forgive is a choice. We can choose to feel angry, or we can choose to be happy. If a grudge keeps you at a safe distance from someone who repeatedly hurts you, then perhaps in that instance a bit of a grudge is a healthy decision.

Forgiving will not change what has happened, but it can change our future. Choosing to embrace forgiveness provides us with a sense of both freedom and control.

Choice is our privilege and our responsibility. Choice #1: grieve and let go, not allowing anger and hurt to keep you from living the life of your choosing. Choice #2: stay angry, bitter and fearful, ultimately remaining stagnant due to the suffocating weight of resentment.

Forgive me, but it seems there is only one choice.

©Michael Pliskin and Nancy Lang

To know what you prefer
instead of humbly saying Amen
to what he world tells you
you ought to prefer,
is to have kept your soul alive.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

I’d say, that Mr. Stevenson who lived back in the 1800s, was not only way ahead of his time, but way ahead of many people in more recent times. We have been told what and whom we ought to prefer for years. Not that long ago, black and white children couldn’t play in the same sandbox, swim in the same pool, sit together on a bus, or drink from the same water fountain. People of color didn’t have the same rights and freedoms as white people, and interracial marriage was not legal in the U.S. until the late 1960s.

 “When will we ever learn, when will we ever learn?” — Pete Seeger

And if it’s true that we learned everything we know in kindergarten, then why, pray tell, are we not treating everyone equally in the sandbox?? And do we really care if Suzy plays with Debbie instead of Johnny?

At our Passover Seder we were discussing the definition of freedom and what it means. We talked about how there are still many places where people are not free to live life the way they choose. How is it that, in most of the United States of America (the land of the free and the home of the brave), people are not allowed the freedom to love whom they choose to love, and be able to make that official?

“Is freedom anything else than the right to live as we wish? Nothing else.” — Epictetus

Many politicians believe that homosexual behavior is sinful. (I suppose the adultery well that they dip their stick in, is an acceptable form of sin?). If we are taught to love and accept each other, and even Jesus said we shouldn’t judge one another, then why and how, is it a problem for people of the same sex to marry, and to have the same benefits that a married man and a woman have?

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” –Paul the Apostle

If two people love each other, why should their gender make a difference? Times have changed since the Bible was written. In ancient Israel men were required to take a dead brother’s wife and make heirs with her. A master could buy women for his slaves to marry, and then keep them after letting the slaves go.

Yes, times have changed, and the church has changed its mind along with culture–for example issues regarding slavery, women being silent, and men’s hair length. So much of what was written then is no longer relevant, and is also left to much interpretation. For instance, God was evidently fine with polygamy, so couldn’t that be interpreted to mean that the union of man and woman is not the only marriage God will bless?

LIVE AND LET LIVE …who knew this was a Yiddish proverb?! It seems to me that if the origin of this quote comes from the roots of Judaism, then why do the very religious condemn people of the same sex for loving each other? If all of the very religious are living in the name of God, then why do they not let people love whomever they want to love without judgment?

We may not understand or agree with those who live a religious life where arranged marriages still happen and such rules as wearing wigs and head coverings are followed. And they may not understand why some secular people choose to live together before marriage. Neither way of life should be judged, especially by justifying it in the name of God.

We’ve come so far since the 1800s, and even since the 1960s. To be dictating whom we can love or marry seems to be a huge step backward. If some people believe that same sex marriage is wrong, they are entitled to their opinion but should not stand in judgment. I’m certainly no expert, but it seems to me that God would not want us doing things ‘in the name of God’ that hurts, kills or judges other people.

So, I ask, in the name of God, can we please follow the golden (biblical) rule, and just learn to live and let live?!

If you have any thoughts you’d like to share, please click on comments and submit!

Every two weeks I have my nails done. Yes, I confess, this is something I splurge on for myself as a way to feel a little more comfortable about showing my bare-naked fat hands in public. The idea is that hopefully people will notice the beautiful red shades of “I Am Not a Waitress” or “Affair in Trafalgar Square,” instead of my fingers that look like a cross between giant sized Tootsie Rolls and stuffed sausage casings.

I digress.

At my last nail appointment, my manicurist friend and I were talking about a musical I saw called Having it All* where the audience observes five women, each longing for what they feel is missing in their lives. This inspired a conversation that lasted longer than it took my nails to dry so I continued it later that night with family. Both discussions raised the question: What does ‘having it all’ mean?…and is it possible to have…it all?

‘Having it all’ tends to imply that you have a successful career, kids, nice car, and home. You may also have as many material pleasures and frequent sexual pleasures as you wish… after you bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan…unless you keep kosher. Ah, so case in point…having it all means different things to different people.

What does ‘having it all’ mean for you? Is it vastly different for men and women?

This brings up an interesting issue as it relates to relationships…from the casually dating, to the more serious. In my experience, there are men for whom having it all means that they see you at least three scheduled times a week (including every Saturday for sure), talk every night on the phone for at least an hour, text regularly with enough kissy face emoji’s to satisfy an insatiable need for virtual love, and plenty of ‘likes’ on their Facebook posts. (To prevent them from regressing further into the seventh grade.).

For some men it merely means making a comfortable living, holding the hand of the woman they love, talking about each other’s day and cuddling. For others it means having various casual relationships with the ability to call your booty whenever they feel like it, and then return to their bat cave until they feel like picking up the bat phone for an emergency ‘pow’ ‘boff’ or slam bam thank you ma’am. From the needy to the greedy, ‘having it all’ looks very different.

For women, it can get complicated. Some are career driven and have no interest in having children. Others just want be at home with their kids, and some want all of the above, and more. I think many women feel they have to do it all in order to have it all, and be sexy mamas in scanty ‘jammas! The roles of men and women have changed so much over the years it has become difficult for both to navigate.

These days we not only have a surplus of fruit infused vodkas, but media infused minds. We’re all deluged with images on TV and in magazines as to what our lives should look like. With a smile you leave your storybook home and get in your imported car, sporting your designer suit, purse and shoes, wearing your age defying lotions on your way to get botoxed, waxed and airbrushed to meet your six-pack guy or fake boobed gal to eat a five star dinner which you will work off for two hours in the gym the next day wearing the latest in Lululemon workout clothes.

Are we supposed to want all this so we feel that we’re having it all? In talking with my manicurist friend (personally I think nails and therapy for the price of one is having it all), we discussed all of the things it would be nice to have and do. Then she asked me, “Do you think having it all, is everything?”

I didn’t have to think about my answer for too long. Would it be nice to have and do more? Absolutely, and I have goals and dreams to which I aspire. But most importantly, when I have the all too infrequent chance to be with both of my grown children just sitting together talking and laughing, I am having it all. And yes, in that moment, it is everything.

*Having it All–Conceived by Wendy Perelman
Directed by Richard Israel
Music by John Kavanaugh
Lyrics by David Goldsmith
Book by David Goldsmith & Wendy Perelman

To all of my blog readers:

This week I am most excited to post an article I wrote that was published by The Huffington Post! This has been one of my goals, and I am thrilled to say that it is now a reality!

Thank you to everyone who has already gone to the Huffington Post to read my article, ‘Like’ it and ‘Share’ it. Your support means more than you know!

I am putting the link to the article below for those who have not yet had a chance to read it. If you have, I ask that you forward this to your friends and family so they can read, like and share it. I want to reach as many people as I can with humor and empowering messages!

Thank you so much again for your support!!

With much appreciation,

Nancy

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nancy-lang-/crossing-over-to-the_b_2967244.html