In the 1960’s there was an ad campaign for Tareyton cigarettes that said, “I’d rather fight, than switch!” Texting may not be as toxic as smoking, but it can indeed be hazardous to our lives, and our relationships. And while our electronic devices can help us to feel connected with others, it seems that we don’t ever disconnect. I believe our devices are dividing us:

• I recently observed a couple sitting in a restaurant. They didn’t say a word to each other or even make eye contact for at least ten minutes. Instead they sat; eyes down, index fingers up, swiping their smart phones. Not so smart. Phones. Next time you’re out, notice how many people are engaging with and embracing an electronic device instead of the person they’re with.

• A friend of mine recently called his niece to wish her a happy birthday, and she texted him back to say thank you instead of returning his phone call. The growth of our interpersonal skills is being stunted.
• A friend once texted me to say she was unable to help me with something. I texted back saying, “Never mind, it’s ok.” She flew off the handle thinking I was upset at her and the misunderstanding caused a huge and unnecessary argument.
• There is now a dating app where you can just swipe, text, and meet. This new slam, bam, thank you ma’am dating process accelerates you right to the meet and greet; eliminating if you so desire, talking to the person first. Courting. Is there an app for that?
• I recently witnessed a man face down in his cell phone with his back to his young children as they were climbing onto the ledge of a balcony. Was the immediacy of his response more important than the safety of his children?
• Schools are actually canceling dances. The principal of a High School in New York told TODAY Moms that kids no longer need school activities to keep them connected because of texting, FaceTime, Snapchat, etc.
• The other day I watched a group of young people hanging out together and all of them were looking at their phones instead of interacting with each other.
• Phone calls are becoming an endangered species. While it’s great to be able to hear from 100 friends wishing you happy birthday via technology, I miss hearing the voices of the 20 people who used to pick up the phone to call me.
• Being the man/woman behind the screen creates a sense of security and power to say things we wouldn’t say on the phone or in person. Most often, this won’t end well. It usually doesn’t begin too well either.
• And lastly, do I need to go into the risks of driving while typing or reading a text?! Or even walking! According to an Ohio State University study, the number of pedestrian ER visits doubled between 2004 and 2010, and at that rate could possibly double again between 2010 and 2015.

Warning: Frequent texting or other Internet related communications may be hazardous to the health of all that is sacred: 

A discussion of any importance should never take place over the Internet. Never! It’s too easy to misunderstand or to be hurtful. It’s also an easier way of dealing with difficult situations. Been there, done that, won’t ever do it again.

Stephen Stills wrote: Love the one you’re with! It’s just plain rude not to give your attention to the people you are with. You can wait to talk with those in cyberspace when you are done playing with your fellow earthlings.

Don’t text or read a text while driving or walking! Nuff said.

If you have any thoughts on this, please comment below!

Not too long ago, I was asked to be a guest on The Divorce View Radio Talk Show to discuss dating after divorce. It’s amazing how many insights….and stories are revealed when you are being interviewed! We also had some technical difficulties in the beginning, which turned out to be my first embarrassing moment.  I couldn’t hear one of the co-hosts, and unbeknownst to me, I could be seen and heard as I was trying to tell/signal them that I couldn’t hear anything she was saying! There is no editing when it’s LIVE! After that it was smooth sailing and oh, the places we went!

Hot topics: 

• * The fear of dating and meeting men

• * How each date is a lesson to help you find “Mr.” or “Mrs.” Right

• * Are you ignoring the “red” flags of your new relationship and why?
• Plus much, much more..

I hope you enjoy and maybe even laugh a little!

If you want to see the video version, click on the link below:

www.DivorceView.com

If you only want to hear the audio, click below:

http://www.fmgradio.com/divorceview/2014/03/episode-4-dating-adventures-post-divorce.html

There are going to be some weeks on NancyTellsAll.com when I change things up a bit. I may write an article or I may post a video, interview, or possibly an article I wrote that was published elsewhere. It may be quotes that I feel the need to share, or just a few paragraphs of blowing off steam.

Guess what this week is? Between dealing with an Ex, entitled misogynists, and watching some of The Bachelor, (this season should have been called The Asshole); I just want to find a deserted island (complete with a really nice bungalow, cook, housekeeper, and a way to listen to music), and go there with my children indefinitely. Not kidding.

It is 1:00 am and my mind is reeling with thoughts of just a little retribution. I’m past the age of prank phone calls or sending 10 pizzas COD. Or am I? I’m past the stage of fantasizing that my fist would find its way into someone’s already deviated septum. Or am I?

If there were a Super Bowl for relationships, I think the two rivals that would consistently face each other would be Expectations vs. Acceptance.

If you are divorced from someone who was never able to communicate or listen to you without an immediate knee jerk reaction jumping down your throat exhibiting no respect for you whatsoever, what would make you think that things would be different post divorce?

If you work with people who bully and have never typically shown regard for co-workers, why would you expect them to suddenly change their ways?

If you’re having a conversation with The Bachelor on TV, who is showing consistently that he is incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t go around in hurtful circles, why would you not see the red flag slapping you in the face caused by the hot air coming from his arrogant mouth?

Why? Because we innately want to believe in people. We want to believe that people care, and that they can and will change. We learn early on to live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

If we truly learned everything we need to know in Kindergarten, then I think by our fifth decade of life we should be required to take some continuing education classes! First course: How to Play Nicely in the Sandbox! I’m thinking that the benefits of this could likely extend past the microcosm of personal relationships, helping also on a national or even an international level.

Really people. Why, when we have a choice, can’t we all just choose to try and get along?? Wouldn’t everybody’s lives be much happier and less stressful??

Is it unreasonable to expect that someone would show you respect by listening to you? To respond without inflicting wounds into your feelings of self-worth? To treat you with common courtesy? Is it? We all have varying degrees of expectations and there are times we must accept that they will not be met. As I see it, there are 3 options:

1- Try and explain what you need so that whomever you are addressing has the opportunity to listen, to know they aren’t meeting your needs and to make an effort.

2- If they cannot or will not meet your needs you can either A) Accept that fact and deal with it as best as possible, or B) Move on.

3- Either way, don’t beat your head against a wall or your fist into their deviated septum. Just learn to let it go. Or let them go!

There. It turned out to be more than just a few paragraphs, but I am done blowing off steam, and shall now attempt to follow my own advice. Perhaps I can now go to sleep…

This article can also be seen on Huffington Post!

Thoughts? Comments?

If our emotions shut down, are we aware that we’re not feeling? Perhaps this is a bit like asking if the falling tree makes a noise when no one is around to hear it… and we’ll get to that, but first a non sequitur…

This year’s Academy Awards had a few highlights, but I’d say it had a few more low-lights—John Travolta being perhaps the dimmest bulb of the bunch. Idina Menzel, though no longer in face paint, looked a bit green but managed to defy the gravity of the situation despite her surprisingly visible nerves. From green to Pink (another unexpectedly subpar performance), to Gravity having way too much of a pull, to the writing that lacked originality (pizza, really?!), to Ellen who was so nonchalant she basically Skyped it in; it was a different kind of Oscar show, lacking the class and originality of Oscars past.

The good news is that for the first time in a long time, I felt something– aside from my humble opinions above.

Ever since I can remember, without fail, I would cry during acceptance speeches. When the winner would talk about how they used to practice their speeches as a kid, or say, ‘if you have a dream, follow it and don’t give up because anything is possible,’ I’d go through several Kleenex—boxes. They were talking to me. It was my dream to be a successful working actor, and I knew my Oscar speech by heart. Yes, my tears were from frustration, but they were also droplets of hope envisioning myself holding that gold hunk-of-a-man.

But then one award season something happened. No more tears. No more feeling. As the song I once sang from A Chorus Line says, “I felt nothing.” After trying so hard (while raising my kids) to break into the business, I felt the crushing feeling that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. All the headshot mailings, the attempts to secure a theatrical agent within the paradoxical Catch-22 of needing credits I couldn’t get without said agent, the acting workshops to build my chops and get exposure; nothing worked in procuring my big break. Instead of focusing on all I had accomplished, I could only see my life-long wishes and grandiose dreams exiting stage left.

When we feel nothing, are we aware that we’ve become numb? Do we realize that we have unplugged from the things and from people that give us vitality and a reason for being?

Wading through the muck of challenging times takes courage, faith, patience, and acceptance. I felt a great sense of loss, hurt and disappointment…three nominees for best reason to become numb. These emotions can cause us to tailspin into autopilot coasting right into Numbland. This can be a very lonely place, and it’s important to allow either a partner who can play a supporting role, and/or a supporting cast of friends to be there to remind us that who we are is not defined by what happens to us and to trust that we are, in fact, going to be okay.

We also need to be kind to ourselves. Here’s a good way to remember how to be your own best FRIEND:

• Fake it ‘til you make it
• Remember that things happen as they’re supposed to happen
• Imagine life the way you’d like it to be
• Every day take small steps toward your goals
• Now, right now, think and feel ‘as if’ what you desire is already happening
• Dwell on all that is positive in your life

What we focus on and work toward will create our reality. So to that end goal, I imagine approaching the podium at the Oscars with my theme song playing, to say:

I’d like to thank my theatrical and literary agent for believing in me in Act 2 of my life. It was so exciting to have my book “You Want Me to What?! become the premise for a TV show for which I had a lead role, and now being optioned as a movie. I am beyond thrilled for my recurring role on General Hospital, as that show and a very special person there has kept me believing for over 30 years! Writing for Oprah magazine, and having a syndicated newspaper column is another dream come true. It has also been an honor to speak to and work with men and women on improving relationships at home and at work and I look forward to doing more. 

I want to thank my friends and family for putting up with my pity parties and helping me to realize that it’s never too late in life to follow your passion and feel fulfilled. Because of challenging times I am stronger and more appreciative of the little things and have learned how to focus more on all that is good in my life. Most importantly, I want thank my grown children for being my constant source of support, love and inspiration. I love you so much!

“And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true…”

If you were to write your acceptance speech, as if what you want is already happening, what would you say? If you’d like me to share it to be posted anonymously, please email it to me at nancy@nancytellsall.com Or you can write it in the comment section below!

This article was also published on Huffington Post!