I have been receiving questions about relationships, love, sex, marriage, etc. from readers, so I’ve decided to occasionally post a “Nancy Answers All” column. Below is the first question for Nancy Answers All!
Q: I have a lady friend and neither of us is in, nor is ready to be in a relationship, but we are very attracted to one another. I just know that sex with her will be incredible, and we have known each other for a long time so there is a comfort level there. While it seems like a win-win in some ways, perhaps maybe it’s not so much in others. What do you think?
A: Can there be a deafening silence? Can you be busy doing nothing? Can there be friends with benefits? This strikes me as one of those oxymoron’s. Not that people who jump into sexually healing waters with a friend are morons; but like oxymorons, while it might be possible, does it make sense?
If you can really truly have sex with a friend and not expect anything more in return, then yes. But the term itself can lead to certain expectations.
If you call yourselves friends with benefits, the word ‘friends’ implies that you might do things that friends do. Friends share thoughts and feelings. They help each other if they’re sick or moving. They call to see how you are doing, and they do whatever it is that friends may do together. What is your definition of a friend? This is a sticky wicket. Instead of Harry and Sally deciding if men and women can just be friends, we wonder, can they be just be friends and be naked sharing multiple erotic fantasies and orgasms. Or even better, the other way around!
So, I guess my best piece of advice to you is this:
If all you want is someone to dance with between the sheets, or at the kitchen sink, in front of the closet mirror, or hanging backward off the bed, then just say so, and don’t couch it (sorry for the pun) with being friends. If this is the case, perhaps instead, you can just ask him/her if they want to be “Your Benefit!”
If you do want more than the occasional sexually fulfilling hook-up, I think the key is to be very, very direct about what it is you both want and don’t want from this non-relationship. This will help to avoid unrealistic expectations, disappointments, or hurt feelings. While there are no guarantees, I think this is the best method of protection when bedding a friend.
If any readers would like to chime in, please feel free to post your thoughts in the comment section below!
And please send in any questions to firstname.lastname@example.org for future posts of Nancy Answers All!
Live vulnerably and passionately!