“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy, age 6 *

Growing up I had a poster of a much loved teddy bear who had a torn arm, a hole in its neck, and a transparent layer of material that had once been fur. The caption read, “Love Lasts.”  I kept that poster with me into adulthood, perhaps because I wanted to believe that through it all– although we go through rough times and our outer appearance may wear down– love can last. My teddy bear poster hung around long enough to see that my marriage was not destined to last forever. My hopes, however, of being unconditionally loved until, and long after I need new parts, still linger.

Finding ‘The One’ is over a billion-dollar industry. I guess that makes the answer to the question, “What is the secret to long-lasting love?” a billion-dollar answer! I’ve done much research on this subject by trial and error (lots of errors!), surveying people married for over forty years, and reading what old and young alike have to say.

Billy, age 4: “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” *

Harville Hendrix Ph.D., and author of relationship self-help books, mentions three things that help define a healthy relationship:

1)   “The primary hallmark of a healthy relationship is having the experience of emotional and physical safety with our partner. They are reliable and predictable and we don’t feel any fear or anxiety around them.”

2)   “We have an experience of a deep connection.”

3)   “When you are with your partner, you feel joyfully alive or relaxed into joyfullness.”

Karen, age 7: “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” *

Chemistry in a relationship is also important, as well as knowing the qualities we desire in a partner. However that feeling of safety and connection must be present to have healthy lasting love. To maintain it requires a lot, including expressing how you feel.

Jessica, age 8: “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” *

Every day I am able to meet all kinds of interesting people at work, so I decided to play ‘Woman on the Street’ and ask couples who have been married a long time, “What is the secret?” Here is a sampling of their answers:

“Be committed to making it work, no matter what.”

“Laugh a lot, don’t take anyone or anything too seriously.”

“Stick together in hard times.”

“Like each other.”

“Choose someone who is a good person.”

“Take getaways together.”

“Marry your best friend. Someone you’d be happy just sittin’ in the mud with. Everything else will eventually become less important.”

“Do as she asks. She’s never asked for anything unreasonable, and she’s always right. Just do as she asks.”

“When we got married, we both agreed that I would make all the major decisions and she would make all the minor decisions. Since we’ve been married, there have been no major decisions!”

Whether it’s out of the mouth’s of babes or the aged, it seems to be unanimous that lasting love is precious. Harville Hendrix puts it beautifully:

“When you read, ‘Here’s what to do to get your man to stay’ or to love you, there’s an outcome you want. In real love, you’re already in the outcome.”

Do you have any secrets to long lasting relationships you’d like to share? Please comment, and please forward this blog to anyone you think will enjoy!!

*Kids quotes source: www.redsoft.com

“When you’re a single woman in her forties or older, the odds go down for many things. Going down is a good thing in back seats, bedrooms, and elevators. It is not such a good thing when odds go down for things like finding a bathing suit that you can wear in public, keeping your neck from looking like sagging scrotum, and finding genuine love, to name a few. But here I was, twenty years after being in the dating scene flying in at 1.21 gigawatts, coming back to the future where Mars and Venus had merged in ways I had yet to discover. The landscapes may have changed, but at the core, I was confident these planets were fundamentally the same.” (Excerpt from You Want Me to What?! –The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman)

While unbelievable dating stories is one aspect of my book, it also celebrates relationships. There are many best sellers that focus on the differences between the sexes, which are humorously evident in my stories as well, but men and women actually share a lot of the same mishegas! (Yiddish for craziness)

I believe that much of the conflict in relationships is fear based. Fear is the four-letter ‘F’-word that should be washed out of our lives with soap! Sometimes fear can be a good thing, and if we’re smart, it can be our ally. Usually, however, it’s a big fat serving of sabotage on our plate of life.

Fear keeps so many of us from living the life we wish for and deserve, and it keeps us from having the relationship we wish for and deserve.

How many of us are afraid to tell our partner what we need or want?!  And why? Because we’re afraid that if we do, they’ll either reject us or leave us. So I ask: if they are not able or willing to provide what you need, don’t you want them to go away?! There is somebody out there who will be willing and able to oblige. Whether it’s showing you love the way you need, not forgetting important dates like birthdays, anniversaries, or a doctor appointment to determine if you have cancer, (yes, that happened); whatever it is for you, don’t settle. Ask for what’s important to you!

Deal Breaker: any issue or factor that is significant enough to terminate a negotiation.

Know your Deal Breakers!

I can’t be with a smoker or someone who’s uncompassionate, negative, needy, controlling, or without a sense of humor. I cannot sleep with cats in the bed, or loud snoring. How’s that for a start? We all must know our deal breakers, and then, know which ones are negotiable and which are not. What are yours? Make a list!

Deal Making: Take the negotiable deal breakers and play let’s make a deal!

For those items that are under your negotiable list, start making deals. Share your ideal scenario with your partner and go from there. Perhaps you can each bend a little so that you both feel as if you are getting what you want. This is a win-win!

Don’t be afraid to say what you want and what you need! Having thoughts like you’re getting too old, the good ones are taken, you’ll be alone forever, keeps you thinking in scarcity gear and will not get you to your ultimate relationship destination! There are roughly 38 million people in California alone. There is an abundance of potential mates.

Thinking in abundance is key. If you settle and stay with someone for the wrong reasons, it’s not fair to anyone. Don’t force the wrong key into your heart if it doesn’t fit; for it will not open your heart to let love fall in. Perhaps this is the key to falling in love?!

Your thoughts?…

 You Want it? Ask For It! Are you comfortable asking for what you want? When at work, in restaurants, in bed, in relationships—in life in general: if you don’t ask, you don’t get. Okay, so maybe it’s easier to ask for your salad dressing on the side than it is to ask your partner for more sex! Regardless, being able to ask for what we want is a skill we must learn. But first, we must know what we want!

 1) Know what qualities you desire in a partner.

 When I got divorced, I made my list of these important qualities beginning with being communicative, passionate, and have the desire to know the ways I need to feel cared for. From there I prioritized from ‘must haves’ to ‘would be great to haves.’ While this is no guarantee in finding ‘The One,’ (as you will see by reading the dating adventures in my book), it helps to narrow the margin for error.

 The world of dating is constantly changing. Meeting people through family, friends, or at the water cooler has been replaced by traveling through (what feels like) the black hole of cyberspace. Dating online presents many new challenges and perhaps too many opportunities. You can go on J-date to find your Match with E-Harmony and don’t forget there’s Plenty of Fish! You need to know how to write a profile, whether to flirt, poke, e-mail or call. Now, if you want to find out who is single sitting next to you while sipping your latte, there’s an app for that! Mobile dating is expected to take online courtships to a billion dollar industry.

Not sure how to merge into the fast lane of cyber dating? There are all kinds of books for dummies including all kinds of ‘rules’ that men and women are supposed to follow, such as:

Men: Wait 3 days before calling back, screen her first few calls to see how desperate she is, don’t flatter her too much, be mysterious but not weird, wait 90 days to sleep together.

Women: Don’t take the first step, don’t be too available, don’t write him back immediately, once you have a man, ignore him for a while to let mystery grow. Really? To me, these sound more like ‘games’ than ‘rules!’ Here’s a concept: How about we try to be our authentic selves so that we attract someone with whom we will be most authentically connected?

For many of us, dating is a means of getting to ‘The End’ by finding ‘The One’ so we can hopefully live ‘happily ever after.’ For others, it may just be to find ‘The One’ to have sex on a regular basis. So, to save time, energy, emotional distress and money:

2) Know why you are dating and let it be known right from the beginning!

If you want to be married, say so. If you want a plus-one for shows and dinner dates, say so. If you just want a bed buddy, say so! Maybe you ultimately want a life partner, but for now you just want to date casually. Whatever your reason, figure it out and say so! Be honest with yourself and with the other person.

In the 6 1/2 years since my divorce I’ve learned a lot about dating and about the similarities and differences between men and women. In the next couple weeks I’ll be sharing more from my dating experiences, and some secrets from people who have found long-lasting love.

Lastly, I am most excited to announce that I have co-written an article for the magazine Life After 50 which will be out on newsstands and the Internet in the March issue! Details to follow!…

Are you afraid to climb aboard the SS Relation-ship? Many of us experience nausea, fear of rough seas, maintaining balance, and ultimately a fear of sinking. Yet we all want to sail through life cuddling with that one person who’ll cherish us into the sunset of our lives; that one person whom we know will have the life vest ready for us when we need it. This is why we take the leap from solid ground, for a ride on the mother of all cruises–partnership!

My apologies in advance for this shameless plug, but since my book, You Want Me to What?!—The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman is about the wacky, wonderful world of dating, I’m devoting the month of February to blogs about relationships.

Before deciding to sail away with someone, we must first go through the necessary process of dating: Meeting the guy with the hedge of hair growing out of his ears, the woman who had twenty more pounds and years on her than her picture; the guy who says on a first date that he’s looking for a wife to screw his brains out whenever he wants, or the woman who yelled at the guy for opening her car door. All true stories, all part of the adventure.

We must do a lot of sifting before finding the gem of a partner that is right for us. It can be quite tiring, stressful, and at times discouraging. They say aging isn’t for sissies; I say dating can be harder on the heart. Especially, on Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be all about hearts, flowers and candy, oh my! But for many it’s tough. According to Retail Advertising and Marketing Association, 53% of women would end their relationship if they didn’t get something for Valentine’s Day! Can this be true? Regardless, I do think this day of increased sales for Sees, Florists and Hallmark, can be tough on couples—especially men. Will they measure up to expectations, or will they go too far? Suffice it to say, the yellow brick road to Diamond City (whether that is your ultimate destination or not), can be paved with many challenges.

These challenges may not be easy, but can be made simple:

Ladies:

• Do not expect a man to read your mind. If you don’t want chocolates, tell him. If you do, tell him.
• Don’t get caught up in the BS that if he really knew you, he’d know what you want. Men want to make women happy. Allow them to do that by telling them what you want! If they choose not to hear you, then you get to decide what to do next.
• There’s nothing wrong with surprising your man with something they want!

 Men:

• Listen and learn the ways in which she feels loved and appreciated.
• Show her so she feels you ‘get’ her!

 Women and men:

• All of the above is applicable to every day, not just Valentine’s Day.
• If you are not dating someone, treat yourself to something special on Valentine’s Day, because your relationship with yourself is the most important!

 Stay tuned for the next blog on how to ‘sift’ and get what you want! Also stay tuned for some exciting news next week!!

 Any thoughts on this you’d like to share?…(Click on Comments below!)

So one day (I can’t believe I’m going to share this embarrassing story), I was getting gas at Costco and some jerk pulled in front of me at an angle blocking the center passing lane. I was stuck waiting until he filled his bottomless pit of a minivan gas tank before I could leave. With my windows up, as well as my blood pressure, I yelled obscenities at him. The nerve of this man! He then looked at me and smirked, at which point my hair turned a hotter shade of red. My windows came down and my voice rose up above the cacophony of gas pumps beeping, hoses squeaking, and nozzles nuzzling into tanks of cars waiting to be fed. He looked at me as he very slowly got into his car and gave me a, ‘I know I’m a shmuck and I don’t care’ look and drove off.

Evidently Zen Nancy had left the car and invading my body (a la Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost), was the next anger management reality TV star! This was clearly not my finest ten minutes, and as I rewound the scene in my head as I drove away, I wanted to rewind the clock and have a do-over.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our
power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our
freedom.” ~Viktor E. Frankl

While we cannot always control what happens to us, we can control how we react, or respond. None of us is immune to regrettable behavior, though we should remember it has more of an impact on others than we realize. Spreading words of anger or negativity is just as unhealthy as unwanted germs.

“Emotions are contagious. Harvard researchers found 25% of the average person’s happiness at any given time is a consequence of the emotional state of their friends.” ~ David R. Hamilton, Ph.D.

Learning from our behavior is true personal growth.  Discovering how/when to express ourselves, and how to listen and respond are skills that should be taught in school. They are crucial to healthy relationships. Since the art of expressing oneself is a subject unto itself, for now I ask, do you react or respond?

I was once involved with someone (who shall remain nameless), who wasn’t a good listener/communicator. Subsequently, he would always have a knee jerk reaction whenever I would try to express how I was feeling. Reacting in this way made it impossible to have a conversation, let alone feel heard, let alone feel cared about, let alone ever obtaining any kind of resolution. Not a shocker, but this is one reason why the relationship didn’t work. We must listen to each other! I recently read a fascinating observation of the word, listen. If you do a jumble with the words, it also spells silent!

When someone is trying to talk to you, be silent so you can listen! Even if you don’t agree and want to make your point, don’t be thinking about what you are going to say next; just listen. When they have finished, then respond. To try and prevent an unfortunate reaction, it’s as easy as 1,2,3:

1) Take a deep breath and count to ten

2) Reiterate what you think they said to clarify that your perception is accurate

3) Think and Respond

Had I taken a deep breath at the gas station, I probably still would have yelled a few choice words, but perhaps I would have kept those unwanted germs inside the vehicle. We should remember how our words and our actions affect others. How we respond or react is our choice. Whatever you choose though, just remember, it’s contagious.

Each new day brings an opportunity for us to start fresh and be the best ‘us’ we can be. Each New Year gives us the opportunity to reflect on the past year and wish for a good or better one. And unless you’re one of the many who have given up on the whole idea, it is also the time we make those bold New Year’s resolutions. For the coming year we resolve to lose weight, gain courage; quit smoking, take up yoga; start a book, finish what we started; fill our souls, empty our thoughts; find our soulmate, lose our baggage; remember what’s important, forgive what’s not; give laughter, take time with loved ones.

As we all know, resolutions usually end up resolving right into oblivion! Right?! (Statistics say that only 8% of people are successful in achieving their resolutions.) Losing weight is always at the top of the list, but we begin diets January 2^nd because the 1st is still part of the holiday season! We have to have a big fatty high cholesterol breakfast while watching the Rose Parade; or chips and dip, hot wings, hot dogs and hamburgers with the football games. It’s the last hurrah of gluttony before we go to Jenny Craig for our food or Weight Watchers for a meeting.

The whole concept of making these proclamations is usually to change some pattern of behavior. What if, instead of using empty resolutions to improve our quality of life, we use our own life experience? I’m wondering if by digging up some jewels from our own treasure chest of untapped wisdom, it might give our resolutions a chance to thrive. We have all learned certain lessons along the way that are the key to opening the portal to change.

Giving advice to others is always easier than helping ourselves. How about offering it to someone that is closest to you. Not you, but your younger self?! If you could talk to him or her, and share your valuable nuggets from living life, what would you say? If you could write a letter to your younger self, what would you say?

I gave it some thought, so here goes…

Dear Nancy,

Do not let fear control your decisions

Listen to your instincts. They are always right, but often the quietest voice

Negativity is like a magnet that will pull you down off your rock. Stay away from it.

Love, and allow yourself to be loved. You deserve it.

Enjoy ice cream without guilt!

Share your smile

Learn to love your body regardless

Remember all that you are grateful for at least once a day

Remember that how you react to something is your choice

Learn from your mistakes and move on

Forgive yourself for the bad choices you make

Don’t hold a grudge. It is you who suffers, not them

Anyone who doesn’t treat you with respect—dump their ass

It’s ok to say ‘no,’ ‘why?’ and ‘I don’t understand.’

Watch out for limiting beliefs, they will prevent you from living to your potential

Do not expect yourself or anyone to be perfect; you will be forever disappointed

Make time for fun

Savor every moment being with the people you love

Love,

Your Older Self

Perhaps what we write from our heart to our younger selves will have more of an impact than a template of resolutions. And perhaps by talking to the child in us, we can see more clearly what we need to do to succeed in our quest for change.

Ok your turn! It’s fun and enlightening! Try writing a letter to the young you, and see what flows from your fingertips. You may be surprised….

And please, so that we can all benefit, share your comments and/or parts of your letters below!

Welcome to my new blog Nancy Tells All! By way of introduction I am Nancy, a fifty-something divorced woman with two incredible adult children. Without sounding obnoxiously proud, let’s just say they are beautiful inside and out, causing me to kvell pretty much all the time. Aside from being their mother, (the title for which I am most proud), I am an actor, singer, Life Coach, and yes, writer.

My first blog, Life Lessons, was born in another blogosphere almost two years ago. Since that time I have moved on and recently, after a very long gestation period, delivered a book named You Want Me to What?! The Dating Adventures and Life Lessons of a Newly Divorced Woman, (available on Amazon!).

What to expect with Nancy Tells All: I will be sharing many of my personal stories, insights, secrets, and observations about relationships–romantic, familial, and those in the workplace. I’ll write about divorce, dating, and sex in the suburbs; the joys and complications of friendships, the wisdom and frustrations in getting older… including the inability to defy gravity in all sorts of areas. Also, empty nest, the need to rest, be our best, and I do not jest: how not to lose our zest. Some will be poignant and many (I think) humorous.

I want you to tell all too! I welcome and encourage your feedback, your thoughts, your questions and how you relate, or don’t. So please, participate in the comment section of the blog. It is as a way to interact and share your stories! And if you’d like me to address a specific topic, or if you have a question for which you’d like feedback, please let me know!

In addition to helping people live life to their potential, two other passions
of mine include music and quotes, so inevitably I will include song lyrics
or quotes that are relevant to a blog topic. (Please feel free to email me your
favorite quotes to use!) I will also be using pictures, so if you have a photograph or drawing that you feel will be good for a blog topic, e-mail it to me at nancy@nancytellsall.com and if I use it, you will be given credit.

In summary, I plan to talk about life situations we all experience in a way that is unique. There are some people who can paint a picture with a brush, and I so admire that talent, because I cannot. I draw with words, and my goal is to create visuals that will inspire thought, laughter, and maybe even tears. I hope you all are able to find something in each blog that is meaningful for you, and I hope you will all participate with me on this journey.

 Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning
makes the conditions perfect. ~Alan Cohen

If you would like to follow my blog, just click the ‘follow’ box in the bottom right hand corner of the site, or click the subscribe link on www.nancytellsall.com and sign up!

P.S. There are some very exciting things happening soon, so stay tuned!!