This week I am most excited to share that I have been asked to be a contributing expert for www.hopeafterdivorce.org! (Be sure to check out this fabulous site.).  I was also asked to write for www.lafamily.com and www.cupidspulse.com!

Please take a look at my articles for LA Family and Cupids Pulse below! If you would, please ‘Like’ them to Facebook, on this site (or Tweet etc.), and then click on the website below each article and do the same there!

Thank you so much for continuing to support my passion for strengthening relationships using as much humor and compassion as possible!

 

Must We Remain Friends With Our Ex-Husband?

The Universe can have a very ironic sense of humor. I recently had an altercation via e-mail with my ex-husband (about money, of course), and all of my old buttons were not only pushed, but they got stuck in “I’m hurt, I’m not respected, I’m not appreciated, I’m pissed, and I hate you!” mode. For two days, I stewed and chewed on the not-so-pretty file in my memory drive, as I was reminded of the many reasons why we got divorced. Several days later, funny enough, I find myself with the opportunity to write about maintaining a friendship with one’s ex-husband.

In recent news, Denise Richards (perhaps we should call her Mother Denise?) has raised the bar for all ex-wives: she offered to have temporary custody of her ex-husband’s (Charlie Sheen) kids from his last marriage to Brooke Mueller (his third ex-wife), who is in rehab for the twentieth time. This arrangement has been approved by L.A. County Juvenile Court.

 Clearly, Richards has put the needs of these children before anything else. They are, after all, half-siblings to her children with Sheen. She is providing them with a more stable environment than either of their parents can provide.  I’m guessing she would open her heart and home to them even if she and Sheen weren’t getting along. So, while it’s great that they are able to co-exist or even co-parent, whether everything remains copasetic or not, the priority is the well-being of the children.

Is it possible to remain friends with your ex-husband? This depends on the reasons for the split and the level of hostility.  There are also other things to consider:

– If you don’t have kids, and you think friendship is possible, first give yourself some time to move on and adjust to who you are as a single person.

– There is a difference between being buds and maintaining a good relationship. If there are children involved, you will always be connected to your ex, so it’s best to at least get along. Kids hate when there is tension between Mom and Dad.

– If regular communication would bring up old hurts, then keep it peaceful and keep interaction to a minimum.

– If you can’t be friendly, try not to bash your ex to your children, no matter their age. I made the mistake of saying my ex was a short name for Richard. Not my best mommy moment.

Yes, the Universe works in mysterious ways. Many years ago, when I was beginning my acting career in Los Angeles, I was an extra in a movie starring Martin Sheen. He played a man with a wife (Blythe Danner) and kids, who discovers he fathered a child from an affair. The mother of this child dies, so his wife, understanding of the circumstances, suggests they take the child into their home.

Six degrees of Charlie Sheen. We come full circle. Thank you, Universe, for the laugh and the lesson!

Check out my article on Cupid’s Pulse here! 

 

 

 

4 Things That Will Pronounce a

Relationship D.E.A.D.

I want to know why we’re not required to take classes in relationships! We must learn the periodic table, the algebraic steps to figure out what ‘x’ equals, and dissect a frog; we can learn woodshop, pottery, automotive technology or electronic technology. But learning and understanding the differences between men and women, and the skills and nuances involved in dealing with relationships are not taught. Why?

I hereby declare that it should be mandatory for high school upper classmen and college students to take classes in the art of relationships. I will go further to state that adults should take ‘continuing education’ courses on relationships as a form of maintenance. Real Estate agents, attorneys, and doctors already ‘married’ to their career are required to continue learning to remain successful. According to most people, relationships are the most important aspect of our lives, yet we don’t give them the same effort and attention as we do our careers, or even our cars or pets. Why?

While courses on relationships may not be found under the category of business, it is serious business. According to several sources, the divorce rate in America for first marriages ranges from 41-50%, second marriages 60-67% and third marriages about 73%. It doesn’t take a math wiz to see that we are failing miserably.

There are many and various reasons why relationships end. Wrong partner choices aside (another topic entirely), below are four of the major killers:

Disrespect

Expectations

A Lack of Communication

Downright Neglect

Disrespect. There are many ways we show disrespect to our partners without even realizing it. How often have you rolled your eyes in disgust, disregarded their opinion, or dismissed their feelings. They’ve literally been dissed!

Antidote: Stop, in the name of love! Constantly be aware of your actions and vow to yourself that you will stop hurting your partner by dishonoring them.

Expectations. Beware of expectations. They will consistently disappoint and frustrate. While they generally have a negative connotation, and are usually preceded by the words unrealistic or unfair, we all have them.

Antidote: Expectations should be clearly defined and understood. There is a term in business called, Operational Definition, which means to define something specifically with no ambiguity.  Doing this allows a person to know exactly what you need and gives them the opportunity to decide whether or not it is something they can provide. For instance, if you’re dating someone who says they need to hear from you more– what does that specifically look like? Does that mean they need three calls and texts a day; or a text in the morning to say you’re thinking of them, and a call at the end of the day to say goodnight? If you’re married, how often do you need sex? Or to hear ‘You look beautiful!’ Be as specific as possible when stating what you need and then deal making/negotiating becomes an option, as does opting out.

A Lack of Communication. No one is a mind reader yet we don’t communicate what we need, or share what is bothering us, because we’re afraid.

Antidote: Ironically, it is our fear that will ultimately cause the demise. When our unmet needs and problems are left to simmer, they create a toxic environment wherein nothing can survive. If stating what you need will catapult your partner to the exit door, then let them go, they’re doing you a favor. Don’t settle! (It is important to note that how and when you communicate is of crucial importance.).

Downright Neglect. It is so easy to get caught up in our busy lives taking those closest to us for granted, ultimately neglecting them.

Antidote: Pay attention. Both men and women have triggers for neglect. For women, what drives infidelity is when they feel their partner doesn’t pay attention to them, or is not interested in them. Men need to have enough sex with their partner to feel connected, and both need to feel appreciated. We all deserve to feel connected, and appreciated.

While being aware of these four usual suspects (all of which apply to all kinds of relationships) may not guarantee an ‘A’ in life’s continuing class of relationships, doing the homework to the best of our abilities will give a relationship a better chance of surviving, and make it a lot more fun and satisfying!

See this article on LA Family here!