This week I have chosen to post Chapter 14 of my book, as it seems to be a recurring topic wherever I go…

The ‘C’ word!  I grew up learning that the ‘c’ word was a four- letter word never to be uttered. You know, the one that rhymes with punt. As an adult I have discovered that there is a 13 letter ‘c’ word, which for many men and women is the equivalent.

Communication!

I gave communication its own chapter not just so I could use the enticing chapter title but because I found this to be an issue in my marriage, and I’ve seen it as a common obstacle in dating.

Why do so many of us find communicating difficult and uncomfortable?! I can’t imagine how many relationships would be saved if more people learned how to communicate with each other.

I found a very interesting definition of communication as it relates to biology:

a) The activity by one organism that changes or has the potential to change the behavior of other organisms.

Though this was not the first definition given for communication, I thought it to be much more accurate than merely saying: the act or process of communicating, which was the first.

An activity by one that can change the behavior of another. Some might interpret this negatively, as in trying to change a person. But what if it meant a positive, supportive action by one that would ultimately cause a positive change in another? For example: a woman feels that her partner doesn’t ever help her. Instead of rolling her eyes, being passive aggressive or yelling some sarcastic quip like “Would you like to help me for a change?!” what if she lovingly expressed what she needed? What if she let her partner know what it would mean to her if they did whatever it was she needed, and then showed them appreciation when they did?! This is a perfect example of an activity by one that can change the behavior of another.

The mere act of showing each other appreciation will change behaviors. If we don’t communicate what we need, or show how we feel, how will the other person ever understand or know us? It takes two to tango, and one person cannot do the marriage/relationship tango alone. Ignore issues and they will just go away, right? Not!

I think many of us feel if we communicate a problem, it could cause a relationship to end. However, the opposite is true. If we don’t face the issues, the dis-ease will grow. The way I see it, if it’s going to end by discussing things, better to happen sooner than later. The upside is working things out and creating more intimacy.

Intimacy doesn’t just mean physical closeness. It means sharing our innermost feelings, desires, fears, hopes and dreams. It completely opens us up to hurt and rejection and makes us vulnerable, which makes many people afraid and uncomfortable. However, it is when we’re vulnerable that everything good and beautiful happens between two people.

I think both men and women know what it takes to make a relationship work. It is executing it that’s the tough part. Just as we all know intellectually what it takes to lose weight– calories burned off must be more than calories put in. Not always so simple. We also intellectually know what it takes to make a relationship work: communication, showing appreciation and love, intimacy, vulnerability, caring, sharing, giving, respect, humor, tolerance, compromising and patience, to name a few; also, not always so simple.

This is simple: the more love you give, the more you get back. The more you communicate appreciation, needs, and gratitude, the more you’ll receive in return.

ron@compugds.com