As I was driving along the ocean on Pacific Coast Highway the other day, I was in a bit of a meditative state, seeing the waves carrying surfers safely to the shore, the sea foaming as if to cushion their landing. I watched the swimmers buoying about, and children digging to the core of the earth with their shovels. Somehow I was able to frame this picture in my mind while operating a moving vehicle. (It was ‘hands-free’ after all.)

It was a silent moving picture. I didn’t have the radio on and my windows were up so there was no ambient sound…not even the sound of my own thoughts. Then, out of nowhere, came the sound of my own voice singing a line from Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi:”

 “Don’t it always seem to go, you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” 

“What? Where did that come from?” I asked myself aloud. Why I was surprised I don’t know, as this has happened before.

I shouldn’t have been taken aback by my random a cappella solo since I’ve been known, at any given moment, to blurt out into song. Once, during an extremely difficult time in my marriage, I spontaneously started singing Lenny Kravitz’ “I’ve got to get away, I want to fly away.”  Usually these musical outbursts occur when I’m going through something challenging, feeling deep joy, sadness, or frustration. I’ll suddenly hear a line from a song relating to whatever is happening subconsciously at the time, and then it ultimately makes its way out of my mouth.

So, I wondered, what was causing Joni Mitchell to be in my head? The answer was, as David Bowie sings, “Ch-ch-ch-Changes.” Once again, the answer came to me in a song. Music and singing have always been a passion of mine, and as it turns out, a form of therapy. We all glean clues to our thoughts and behaviors in different ways; evidently music is a window to mine.

The soundtrack of my youth accented close family relationships, and a warm loving circle of family friends who were basically extended family. As with anything wonderful, however, there is usually a flip side. Side B, is that everyone has gotten older and/or busier so there are fewer times shared together, and we lose touch. Touch, as in communicating what’s happening in our lives and our heads. Touch, as in fewer opportunities for big hugs that say how much I miss you.

This flip side also includes grown children moving away. When I first moved away from home, I was in a store trying on clothes listening to a mother and daughter talking and laughing in the next dressing room. As I listened to their conversation it made me miss my mother terribly. I remember thinking that this was the hard part of being close.

Fast-forward a few decades to the present, and now both of my children are moving away. This is what’s supposed to happen, I know. And in following the advice of a Life Coach/writer I know well, I’m working on acceptance, attitude, and gratitude. It’s the ache in my stomach and the tears that aren’t listening.

Dealing with change is not easy, especially when feeling a sense of loss. But, there is an answer that I feel will help us cope with both change and loss!

Stay connected.

Research has shown that the benefits of social connection will increase happiness, provide us with better health and a longer life.*  We must find a way to not feel isolated (other than through the Internet!). Whether it’s a weekly or monthly cup of coffee, phone call or Skype; make it happen. My kids and my siblings are at the top of my list.

Funny, the song playing in my head right now?

“Just shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel. Things are gonna work out fine, if you only will.”– James Taylor

NOTE TO READERS:

Many people deal with change quietly and privately. I greatly respect and understand this, but I feel that one of the best ways to cope and feel less alone is by hearing other people’s stories. Sharing also helps one handle his or her challenging situation.

In keeping with this theme of sharing and connecting, I would like to do more of both, with all of you who read my blog. In the Fall I’m going to begin doing a monthly short video (or more often depending on the volume of emails) where I will address your challenges, your joys, and your questions. A virtual ‘Dear Nancy,’ if you will.

In order to do this, I need your help. Please start e-mailing me your questions, frustrations, or stories, whether they’re about dating, your relationships, kids, communicating…any issue you’d like me to discuss, and I will answer/address them ‘face to face!’

Start sending in your questions etc. to nancy@nancytellsall.com! (There’s no per person limit and you shall remain anonymous!)

You can help others. It takes a village, or in this case a cyber-village, so let me hear from you! Let us all hear from you!

*www.liveyourlifewell.org

Why is it that we need reminders to be mindful of how temporary life is? We see young fireman dying while trying to save others. We see young adults and children whose lives are cut way too short due to drug overdoses, violence or abuse. Loved ones having strokes, cancer, or accidents, altering lives forever.

I think we need a reminder to be mindful, period.

How often have you finished a cup of coffee or tea without even remembering the act of drinking it? Have you ever driven somewhere, not remembering the ride? How many times have you put something away, and didn’t remember doing so?

As I was typing out some thoughts the other day regarding present moment awareness, the computer randomly began inserting dashes in be-twe-en le-tte-rs, and it would-n’t st-op. As I was about to start spouting four-letter expletives, I realized it was typing a message to me. The dash was significant. I once read a poem about the dash in between our birth date and the date of our death. The poem stressed the importance of the dash, as it represents our time alive on earth.

Are we paying attention as we move so busily here, there and everywhere?  Are our lives dashing away while we’re doing other things?

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

These days we hear a lot about being in the moment (paying attention to and being mindful of what you are experiencing.). For instance, when playing “Candy Land” with your child, if you notice his/her eyes sparkle when they get to the candy castle first, you’re in the moment. You’re not, if you’re checking new emails on your phone. You’re in the moment if while kissing your lover you notice how his/her hand feels on your face and the softness of their lips. You’re not if you’re thinking about what errands you must run the next day.

When you observe children, you’ll notice that they are purely in the moment, not at all concerned about future or past events. If we could incorporate more of this focused attention in all we do, life wouldn’t whiz by in such a blur.

They used to say that the older you get, the faster time flies. Now-a-days, younger people are also amazed at how fast time is fleeting by. It’s no wonder the year feels like it’s moving on fast-forward when we see back-to-school ads in July, Halloween pumpkins in August, Christmas trees in September, and Valentine’s cards in December. We, as a society, are never in the moment! Also, with instantaneous news from around the world available at our fingertips, it distracts us from the moments in our own world.

Regardless of the above external distractions, our perception of time travel can be altered if you try,

• Paying attention to your senses—touch, smell, sight, sound and taste, noticing all that surrounds you.
• Breathing, noticing how it feels.
• Doing less of what distracts you from engaging in activities that make you feel good.
• Focusing on all things for which you are grateful.

Normally, we do not so much look at things as overlook them. — Alan Watts.

I was in the play Our Town in high school. There is a scene at the end of the play that has stuck with me to this day. I end with this, as I think it says everything that needs to be said.

Emily, the main character has died. She asks to go back to earth for one last visit, and she chooses her 12^th birthday. She is warned by those who have gone before her that she shouldn’t do it, that it will be painful, but she insists. Here she expresses her frustration as she watches her mother busily making breakfast:

 “Oh, Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me…I can’t! I can’t go on! It goes so fast. We don’t have time to look at one another! I didn’t realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed! Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it—every, every minute?”

Pay attention. Really look at those you love. Fill your dash with as many moments as possible.

What does this picture look like to you? Perhaps a piece of melted shmutz on the ground? To me, it appears to be a lost musical note looking for its staff, its home. It seems to be in search of its family of eighth notes, quarter notes, and those syncopated dotted notes that always change things up a bit. That’s my                perception.

If I hadn’t been looking down, I would never have seen it. I was taking a much needed aerobic walk, with my music cranking through my ear buds. Walking at a good clip, I was huffing and puffing, punching my arms into the air to relieve stress and increase my heart rate, when I looked down and saw this ‘note.’ My walk came to a sudden four beat rest.

As I pondered my “Rorschach perception” of what most likely was once a healthy piece of gum, my itunes shuffled, and Carole King began singing, “So Far Away.” This immediately switched my attention from the note on the ground to the ones playing in my ears.

“So Far Away, doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore…”

Hearing this song immediately took me back to when I was 12 years old. I pictured my younger self, sitting in my pink room, on my pink shag carpet, missing my first love who had left for the summer. This song played over and over on my portable record player as I read his letters and inhaled the envelopes, which he had soaked in his cologne. I missed him terribly.

So many things become easier as we get older, but for many, change is not one of them. The reality is, life changes, whether we want it to or not. Our reality is how we perceive things, and that is within our control. How we see things will determine how we respond, which in turn determines our quality of life.

I recently saw a baby boy conked out in his mother’s arms, mouth open, with his head snuggly fitting in the crook of her neck. My memory of how that felt came flooding back, making me feel sad and wonderful at the same time. The sadness hit me first because soon, for the first time, both of my children will be living away from home. This will be an adjustment, but I have a choice to make it worse by dwelling on the loss of what was, or I can be grateful for that time, and feel proud that they are two independent, caring, loving, young adults making their way in the world.

Experiencing divorce is another kind of loss, which can ruin lives depending on how we handle the situation. Many choose to carry anger and bitterness indefinitely, and perceive the years they were married as a total waste. Why choose to look at it this way when it makes us feel worse?

As we get older, we start to see more illness and death. When our loved ones die, it is an incredible loss. I have lost three of my four grandparents whom I miss very much, but I am also so blessed to still have my Grandma Rose, who is going on 102 years of age. Though she looks amazing, and has fought the battle of aging brilliantly, it will one day win the war.

I recently went to have Friday night dinner with her, just the two of us. I looked around the dining room, and at first I saw nothing but gray hair, hearing aids, care givers, and walkers. I saw that the act of getting a fork to one’s mouth can be a workout. At first, I felt depressed and afraid. Then, remembering my Grandmother’s sage advice that attitude is everything, I chose instead to try and focus on how life, even at that age, can still have a sense of purpose if we choose to see it that way.

We have a choice. We can let good memories make us feel bad, and bad ones make us feel worse; or we can cherish the good from them all, and keep moving forward. How we see things is up to us. Is it a piece of shmutz, or is it a musical note? It is up to you.

The other day, my friend (let’s call her Sally), met a man (we’ll call him The Man), while she was having dinner with a girlfriend. The Man knew Sally’s girlfriend, so he stopped to say hello as he was leaving the restaurant. Evidently, the girlfriend didn’t get two words in as Sally and The Man had fun bantering back and forth; seemingly forgetting anyone else was there.

Sally told me she felt like a schoolgirl. She didn’t want him to leave. She felt an immediate attraction to him both physically and intellectually, and couldn’t stop thinking about him. There was one problem: She didn’t know what to do next, or whether to do anything at all. Would it be inappropriate to get his number? Would it be too forward to ask her friend to see if he was interested?

Where was the guide for off-line dating?!

40 million people in the U.S. have tried online dating* to find love. We have become more familiar, and I believe more comfortable, with the process of ‘courting’ online than with wooing someone organically without the aid of an electronic device. Online, you can “poke” or “flirt;” or if you’re more adventurous, actually e-mail someone. I think we’re losing an aptitude for relating with each other the old fashioned way—in person.

It has become too easy to hide behind the computer or smart phone when meeting potential partners. People feel very safe being the person behind the screen, and it’s easier to say things and be vulnerable when not looking someone in the eye. I fear that the more we communicate via all of our not-so-social media, the less comfortable we will be when interacting without a screen protector. This takes ‘using protection’ to a whole new level!

With all our technology today, not only are our muscles atrophying (our fingers do most of the walking), but also our social skills are stagnating… especially when it comes to expressing our emotions and desires. So many of us are very happy to let the keyboard do the talking.

A man recently asked my opinion regarding the length of time people should take to get to know one another online before meeting in person. It was his opinion that people rush to meet, and that it’s better to take more time emailing and talking before meeting. I say it doesn’t take long to know if you’re interested, and that there is a breaking point for waiting too long. If you do, the other person can feel a lack of interest or enthusiasm.

In the old days, before the Internet, people were either fixed up or met socializing, then went out on a date. It was that simple. They didn’t have an artificially intelligent machine with a direct line to a matchmaker in the sky that sent them thousands of photos of men and women whom they could peruse and pursue. They couldn’t push a button and send a pre-written note that showed they were interested. They couldn’t send an instantaneous message to flirt or titillate. They didn’t know ahead of time if the person liked to take walks on the beach, or go to the theatre; they didn’t know their salary range, or their idea of a perfect first date. People got to know each other by being with that person and talking to them. What a concept!

Today, however, we’re all busy and don’t have much of an opportunity to meet others. If you’re like many singles looking for a date from the icloud in the sky, use good sense, don’t hide behind the computer for too long, and go for it!

• Don’t be shy, contact someone if they interest you.

• Ask questions, and if you feel a comfort level, set a time to talk.

• Be yourself! If you feel safe, and feel a connection, meet somewhere in public when and where you feel comfortable.

However, if you’re like Sally, and you have the rare opportunity to meet someone in person that you’d like to go out with, consider the following:

• Find a way to let them know!
• Take the risk!
• What’s the worst that can happen?

As for Sally and The Man, I believe the plot is still unfolding. She does not yet know if he’s interested, but realizes if she doesn’t put herself out there, she’ll never find out. As I told Sally, my motto has always been, “It never hurts to ask!”

Any comments? 

*www.statisticbrain.com