There are going to be some weeks on NancyTellsAll.com when I change things up a bit. I may write an article or I may post a video, interview, or possibly an article I wrote that was published elsewhere. It may be quotes that I feel the need to share, or just a few paragraphs of blowing off steam.

Guess what this week is? Between dealing with an Ex, entitled misogynists, and watching some of The Bachelor, (this season should have been called The Asshole); I just want to find a deserted island (complete with a really nice bungalow, cook, housekeeper, and a way to listen to music), and go there with my children indefinitely. Not kidding.

It is 1:00 am and my mind is reeling with thoughts of just a little retribution. I’m past the age of prank phone calls or sending 10 pizzas COD. Or am I? I’m past the stage of fantasizing that my fist would find its way into someone’s already deviated septum. Or am I?

If there were a Super Bowl for relationships, I think the two rivals that would consistently face each other would be Expectations vs. Acceptance.

If you are divorced from someone who was never able to communicate or listen to you without an immediate knee jerk reaction jumping down your throat exhibiting no respect for you whatsoever, what would make you think that things would be different post divorce?

If you work with people who bully and have never typically shown regard for co-workers, why would you expect them to suddenly change their ways?

If you’re having a conversation with The Bachelor on TV, who is showing consistently that he is incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t go around in hurtful circles, why would you not see the red flag slapping you in the face caused by the hot air coming from his arrogant mouth?

Why? Because we innately want to believe in people. We want to believe that people care, and that they can and will change. We learn early on to live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

If we truly learned everything we need to know in Kindergarten, then I think by our fifth decade of life we should be required to take some continuing education classes! First course: How to Play Nicely in the Sandbox! I’m thinking that the benefits of this could likely extend past the microcosm of personal relationships, helping also on a national or even an international level.

Really people. Why, when we have a choice, can’t we all just choose to try and get along?? Wouldn’t everybody’s lives be much happier and less stressful??

Is it unreasonable to expect that someone would show you respect by listening to you? To respond without inflicting wounds into your feelings of self-worth? To treat you with common courtesy? Is it? We all have varying degrees of expectations and there are times we must accept that they will not be met. As I see it, there are 3 options:

1- Try and explain what you need so that whomever you are addressing has the opportunity to listen, to know they aren’t meeting your needs and to make an effort.

2- If they cannot or will not meet your needs you can either A) Accept that fact and deal with it as best as possible, or B) Move on.

3- Either way, don’t beat your head against a wall or your fist into their deviated septum. Just learn to let it go. Or let them go!

There. It turned out to be more than just a few paragraphs, but I am done blowing off steam, and shall now attempt to follow my own advice. Perhaps I can now go to sleep…

This article can also be seen on Huffington Post!

Thoughts? Comments?

If our emotions shut down, are we aware that we’re not feeling? Perhaps this is a bit like asking if the falling tree makes a noise when no one is around to hear it… and we’ll get to that, but first a non sequitur…

This year’s Academy Awards had a few highlights, but I’d say it had a few more low-lights—John Travolta being perhaps the dimmest bulb of the bunch. Idina Menzel, though no longer in face paint, looked a bit green but managed to defy the gravity of the situation despite her surprisingly visible nerves. From green to Pink (another unexpectedly subpar performance), to Gravity having way too much of a pull, to the writing that lacked originality (pizza, really?!), to Ellen who was so nonchalant she basically Skyped it in; it was a different kind of Oscar show, lacking the class and originality of Oscars past.

The good news is that for the first time in a long time, I felt something– aside from my humble opinions above.

Ever since I can remember, without fail, I would cry during acceptance speeches. When the winner would talk about how they used to practice their speeches as a kid, or say, ‘if you have a dream, follow it and don’t give up because anything is possible,’ I’d go through several Kleenex—boxes. They were talking to me. It was my dream to be a successful working actor, and I knew my Oscar speech by heart. Yes, my tears were from frustration, but they were also droplets of hope envisioning myself holding that gold hunk-of-a-man.

But then one award season something happened. No more tears. No more feeling. As the song I once sang from A Chorus Line says, “I felt nothing.” After trying so hard (while raising my kids) to break into the business, I felt the crushing feeling that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. All the headshot mailings, the attempts to secure a theatrical agent within the paradoxical Catch-22 of needing credits I couldn’t get without said agent, the acting workshops to build my chops and get exposure; nothing worked in procuring my big break. Instead of focusing on all I had accomplished, I could only see my life-long wishes and grandiose dreams exiting stage left.

When we feel nothing, are we aware that we’ve become numb? Do we realize that we have unplugged from the things and from people that give us vitality and a reason for being?

Wading through the muck of challenging times takes courage, faith, patience, and acceptance. I felt a great sense of loss, hurt and disappointment…three nominees for best reason to become numb. These emotions can cause us to tailspin into autopilot coasting right into Numbland. This can be a very lonely place, and it’s important to allow either a partner who can play a supporting role, and/or a supporting cast of friends to be there to remind us that who we are is not defined by what happens to us and to trust that we are, in fact, going to be okay.

We also need to be kind to ourselves. Here’s a good way to remember how to be your own best FRIEND:

• Fake it ‘til you make it
• Remember that things happen as they’re supposed to happen
• Imagine life the way you’d like it to be
• Every day take small steps toward your goals
• Now, right now, think and feel ‘as if’ what you desire is already happening
• Dwell on all that is positive in your life

What we focus on and work toward will create our reality. So to that end goal, I imagine approaching the podium at the Oscars with my theme song playing, to say:

I’d like to thank my theatrical and literary agent for believing in me in Act 2 of my life. It was so exciting to have my book “You Want Me to What?! become the premise for a TV show for which I had a lead role, and now being optioned as a movie. I am beyond thrilled for my recurring role on General Hospital, as that show and a very special person there has kept me believing for over 30 years! Writing for Oprah magazine, and having a syndicated newspaper column is another dream come true. It has also been an honor to speak to and work with men and women on improving relationships at home and at work and I look forward to doing more. 

I want to thank my friends and family for putting up with my pity parties and helping me to realize that it’s never too late in life to follow your passion and feel fulfilled. Because of challenging times I am stronger and more appreciative of the little things and have learned how to focus more on all that is good in my life. Most importantly, I want thank my grown children for being my constant source of support, love and inspiration. I love you so much!

“And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true…”

If you were to write your acceptance speech, as if what you want is already happening, what would you say? If you’d like me to share it to be posted anonymously, please email it to me at nancy@nancytellsall.com Or you can write it in the comment section below!

This article was also published on Huffington Post!

Once upon a time… there were two women, Nancy and Robin, living in Laguna Niguel, CA., just 5 minutes from each other. They belonged to the same Synagogue, had sons the same age, were both performers from way back, but had never met. Then, one day, the Cantor of their Synagogue called Nancy into her office explaining that there was to be the greatest event in all the land to celebrate the new home for the congregation. She asked Nancy if she would sing and if her mom, Elaine, musician and composer extraordinaire, would create a musical show to entertain at this big event. The Cantor also told Nancy that there was another woman she wanted to include, and her name was Robin.

Upon first meeting, Nancy and Robin were cordial, eyeing each other up and down as two dogs might when they first meet at the dog park. Short of peeing on a tree to claim her territory, Nancy made it very clear which song was to be hers, and Robin paraded about with a very sparkly rhinestone belt buckle that she would one day protest she never wore.

The show was received so well, that Nancy and Robin (soon to become Robin and Nancy) were asked to do a show for an annual dinner the following spring. Necessity being the mother of invention, Elaine, Nancy and Robin created a 45 minute show entitled “These Are The Good Old Days!,” A Musical Sketch Comedy. It was the Carol Burnett Show meets Saturday Night Live, and it was a huge success. So much so, that the three ladies went back to the writing board and it became a 90 minute show called, “Shtick Happens!” “Shtick” played for 3 months in West Hollywood, a month at a dinner theatre in Orange County CA., and at various events from the Bay Area, to Southern California to Minneapolis.

There’s an old saying, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” The journey of creating this show was something these ladies would never have anticipated. It was a life altering experience. Writing and rehearsing for the show was not only creatively enlightening and exhilarating, but personally profound. They laughed so hard they were falling off their chairs, rolling on the floor. They cried singing of their Yiddishe Mammas and to their fathers. They ate cake at midnight, danced until dawn as Robin tried to teach Nancy how to tell her right foot from her left. They sang together in harmony, producing a musical sound that critics called magical. Separately they were great, together they were brilliant.

It was a wonderful run. Then as life happens, the show came to an end but their friendship lived on through thick and thin, because no matter what, they were meant to go through this show called “life” together. In a span of 13 years these two women who were once not sure if they even liked one another, became sisters. Sisters who share a deep unbreakable love and respect for one another.

Now, these two sisters must say goodbye. Well, goodbye to life as they know it. Robin is spreading her wings and flying far away to begin a new life. Undoubtedly, their kinship will continue and will not be diminished by the miles between them; but knowing this doesn’t stop the tears from flowing or make the weight of the loss any lighter.

Nancy will miss Robin terribly and wishes her the ‘happily ever after’ that she so deserves.

Not The End.

Play below to see ‘Shtick’ in action! Here’s to you Robbie!

This article was originally published on YourTango.com, the premier media company dedicated exclusively to love and relationships, and I am now able to publish it on NancyTellsAll! Life takes us on a ride filled with twists and turns, devastating drops, tunnels of love, fun escapades and catch your breath moments. We all have stories to tell, and I think that we can  learn from each other by sharing our experiences. YourTango agreed:

I dreamed the other night that my kids told me my ex-husband, their father, was getting remarried and buying a million dollar home in Maui. “Oh, must be nice!” I responded sarcastically to this breaking news. I immediately felt bad for allowing my sixth-grade schoolyard voice to speak out loud, but I felt such resentment and jealousy that he was living high on the roasted pig with Miss Newby, and I was still struggling financially as a single mom. Then I woke up, and those feelings were all too real.

It was becoming apparent that my mind was spending way too much time on what was lacking in my life, dwelling on the unfairness of it all. I knew intellectually that my fixation on the negative details of my past would lock me into a future I didn’t want.

However, the facts remained: I had gotten the house in the divorce, but that soon ended up a short-sale statistic. My “nest egg” netted out to be a big fat goose egg. As for spousal support, I  (stupidly) agreed to receive it for a finite period of time–even though I had been a stay at home mom for 18 years without having established a career prior to marrying. Of course I’ll be able to fast-track it to a successful career and a comfortable income for myself, I figured. Psych! The recession hit, grinding my progress–and any possibility  of rebuilding my bank account–to a screeching halt. I have to say that I honestly sometimes feel I’m being punished for having stayed home for nearly two decades to raise my children.

Yes, I wanted the divorce, so I had made my own (twin) bed. I could have decided to stay in my marriage where I felt financially secure, but that would have meant living without any emotional connection. I needed and deserved to feel heard, understood, appreciated and acknowledged; to be looked at in the eye by my husband, to feel cherished and adored. And I didn’t.

I also felt that he didn’t respect what I brought to the marriage and to our family because what I brought had no monetary value. While I didn’t contribute financially, I created our home and raised our two children to become loving, compassionate, inspiring human beings, and I couldn’t be more proud. Yet, in a short amount of time, as a 40-something year-old woman, I was under pressure to earn an income that took him an entire career to establish.

So yes, there are times when I’ve wanted to scream that it’s not #*&/- ing fair! And as the clock ticks closer and closer to the moment when my support lifeline will slip through my fingers, I worry that my vulnerability and fear will grow into a monster anchor keeping me immobile, or at the very least, from enjoying life.

It’s amazing how one little dream can cause such a sh*t storm. It’s also amazing how the universe, like Superman, knows exactly when and where to come to the rescue. This time it picked me up and put me back on my feet via cyberspace with a “random” message from Nora Ephron:

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”

“Yes!” I yelled out when I read this in an email. If I accept the role of victim, then I am essentially handing over my power to someone else and forfeiting my opportunity to experience joy and live to my full potential. Why the hell would I choose to do that?!

Then I looked up the definition of heroine: A woman of distinguished courage or ability, admired for her brave deeds and noble qualities.

Most of us don’t realize how strong and capable we are. Too often we use our energy to fight against what is, instead of coming face to face with making it better. Once we can stop looking in the rear view mirror, we can start to take action toward beginning a new life.

Here are more lessons I learned along the way about what to stop doing–and what to start doing–in order to spring forward toward a more fulfilling life post-divorce:

Stop: worrying about the future. Focus and be present each day and the future will unfold.

Start: feeling gratitude. We’ve all heard that being grateful for what we have makes us feel better. Even more to the point, when you focus on and appreciate all that you have, you will receive more of what’s good in your life. What you focus on expands!

Stop: copying and pasting. We need to talk about what has happened to learn from it, vent, seek advice, or get a hug; but be careful that what happened to you doesn’t begin to define you. Share with a few chosen people, then label it ‘Past File’ and send to the archives.

Start: taking walks and longer showers. Honestly, this is when I have my best ideas. To help find the answers you seek, or to feel more at peace, give yourself the gift of taking a walk outside; or take an extra few minutes in the shower to relax. It works!

Stop: the limiting beliefs. Beware. Maneuver around these, or like quick sand they’ll keep you stuck, sinking into your fears.

Start: realizing that how you feel affects what happens. Think of ways to create positive feelings. This can be tough, and I’ll admit seemingly impossible at times, but the energy that our feelings produce and emit into the world will create a boomerang affect. What we throw comes back to us.

Start: focusing on what you do have. Yes, as opposed to what you don’t have, or don’t have anymore. You will receive more of what you want this way.

Stop: worrying about the ‘how.’ You can become so overwhelmed by not knowing how to accomplish what you want that you never try. Once you know what you want, the ‘how’ will happen. Baby steps. Fall down. Get back up. More baby steps. You did it as a toddler without thinking.

Start: stepping to the other side of your comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with comfort. However, if it becomes more of a ‘caution zone’ surrounded by yellow tape, it’s only preventing you from proceeding ahead.

Start: realizing it’s all how you look at something. I recently asked my 102-year-old grandma how she has gotten through all that she has in her life, and she told me, “Attitude is important. It runs your life.” Out of the mouths of the aged! We have a choice as to how we see things. We can either look at a situation as an adventure, and view the possible rocky terrain as a way of becoming more adept at conquering challenges, or we can see it as an overwhelming burden. Either way, you will be right.

Your life experience will depend on how you choose to think and how you choose to see things. The good news is you get to choose!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

This video really says it all…and then some! Prepare yourself!!

Please Share, Like, Recommend, etc!!

With Appreciation and Gratitude,

Nancy

CLICK HERE or on the arrow below!

I had so much fun making this video!  I asked people a very important question, and their answers are fantastic!

If you have anything to add, please tell us in the comment section! If you missed the 1st video, simply scroll down to the previous post!

And please recommend to Facebook (below), and share with friends!

Watch on YouTube here! Or click on the red arrow below!

With much appreciation and gratitude,

 Nancy

To watch here on NancyTellsAll, click on the arrow below! To watch on YouTube, CLICK HERE!

What’s wrong with this picture?: It’s Saturday night at 8:00 p.m. and I’m in my new soft fuzzy jammies from Costco, with my soft fuzzy blanket also from Costco, my very soft fuzzy socks from Old Navy, in my bed with my new soft flannel sheets from Kohl’s, reading the newest AARP Magazine!!

My first thought was: Everything is wrong with this picture! I’m a vibrant, fun-loving single woman! What the hell am I doing in bed with AARP? And on a Saturday night no less! The only thing missing was the 50 cats! (Apologies to cat lovers), but really?!

As these self-bashing thoughts were racing through my mind I was simultaneously reading an interview with Maria Shriver. Ah, the beauty of multi-tasking!

The article, however, was interesting enough to keep my attention even as the KFUK radio station was playing loud and clear in my head. (For those who are just joining me, KFUK is the station in our minds with a playlist that sabotages, bullies, and deflates us as it continually scrolls in a big negative loop until we realize we’re singing its messages out loud.)

I digress. As I was reading and mind-f-ing myself, I came to a paragraph that muted the noise in my head and struck a poignant chord. Shriver referred to what she called, “The Power of the Pause,” described as the importance of stopping and evaluating where we are in life. It was then that I realized I was pressing the pause button that Saturday night.

Taking time to evaluate doesn’t necessarily mean actively trying to solve the problems of your world. In fact, more ideas come from a mind at rest. When our mind has the luxury of chillaxing, it can help us to create and find the answers to our six million dollar questions. This is not unlike our computers. My kids are always telling me that I shouldn’t have as many programs running at once, and that I should occasionally turn it off to give it a rest so it can perform better.

Shriver continued saying, “First you have to slow your life down to find out if you’re actually living the life you are meant to live. Are you just gliding? Are you a dead woman or dead man walking? I know a lot of people who talk about being that. They hate their jobs, their lives….”

I think that sometimes we stay busy so as not to face changes that need to be made in our lives. If we’re busy we won’t have time to stop and realize how we might not be living in integrity.

• Perhaps you are still dating someone mainly because it’s better than being alone and not because you have true feelings for them. You’re gliding along, but you are aware that you’re settling because you know there’s someone out there with whom you could soar, but you’re too afraid to take the risk.

• Perhaps you aren’t where you want to be in your life.

• Perhaps you’re in a loveless marriage.

• Perhaps you’re in limbo and it feels so uncomfortable that you mask it with busy-ness.

Even if life is exactly how you want it to be, it’s important to take time to slow down and remember the power of the pause. Give yourself time to reboot and regroup. Don’t be afraid to slow down to see what it is you really want or what you want to do differently. Then, don’t be afraid to take the risk.

So, is there anything wrong with being alone on a Saturday night with my warm fuzzies? Not at all. If I start quoting AARP every week however, there could be cause for concern, and an intervention would be welcomed. For now, I’ll respect the pause.

January.  This means that the excuse to eat too many sweets is over, and it’s time to start thinking about organizing for taxes. Yuck! However, it is the month of my birthday, AND the birth of NancyTellsAll.com one year ago, so I have a lot to be thankful for. I want to start out this New Year by saying thank you. I am so grateful to all of you for following my blog every week, and for supporting me with your feedback, encouragement,  and helping me to get the word out to more readers by ‘liking’ it to Facebook, and sharing via Twitter and e-mails.

I would also like to take this moment to welcome a large group of new people who recently signed up to follow NancyTellsAll! A big shout out to you and a thank you for welcoming me into your Inbox! I hope you have some kind of positive take-away each week, and if you have any thoughts or comments, please do so at the bottom of each post! Also, feel free to contact me at nancy@nancytellsall.com with any questions, thoughts or suggestions.

This week’s article was published January 4th on PurposeFairy.com so if you have read it already, my apologies for the rerun! I hope you will all enjoy it enough to ‘Like’ it here on NancyTellsAll (below the article), and also on the PurposeFairy link above.

As we go through life, there are many things we learn. I have also come to realize that there are also things we should UNlearn!….

4 Life Lessons You Should Unlearn

“Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority share in it.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

Growing up we learn many basics of life including: We can’t always have our way (never liked that one), we need to share (actually found that fun), and Thanksgiving comes before Christmas/Chanukah (I wish someone would tell the people in charge of advertising that having Christmas trees up before we eat turkey is not ok!).

When we’re young we learn a lot without even realizing it, without even trying. We witness how the people closest to us think, behave, and react. Some of the lessons we learn are very beneficial to us, and others, not so much. The latter are the ones to be aware of. These are the ones that need to be rewired, so they can be unlearned.

It takes time for lessons to become ingrained in the brain, and unlearning them can be quite the challenge. What we have learned over the years has been drilled into us, and cemented in with repetition. This process secures the hard wiring that creates our behaviors and beliefs.

Below are four beliefs we inadvertently learn that get my vote to top the ‘Unlearn This’ list:

1. If I__________, what will people think?

Who cares?! I’m sorry, but if we’re not hurting anyone, we all deserve to live a life that makes us happy. Our time here on earth is a gift and we shouldn’t feel any responsibility to live it according to what other people think.

That being said, we must understand that our actions do affect others. We all make choices and must live with the consequences of those choices, which may mean being criticized by others or losing certain relationships. What’s important is that we live in integrity.

2. I don’t want to let anyone down, so I basically never say no. (You know who you are!)

This is yet another way that we allow other people to take priority over what may be best for us. Some of us are on people-pleasing autopilot, which makes it easy to crash and burn without notice. Exhaustion, resentment toward others and passive-aggressive behavior are only three examples of resulting debris. To prevent this from happening, don’t live your life to please others! Learn how to have boundary lines. If you don’t want to spend time with someone, don’t. You don’t always have to be available. And put the cell phone down!

Here’s a concept: Please yourself first! P.S. It’s also OK to let others please you!

3. I feel I have to be prepared for anything so I sometimes worry about what might happen. 

There’s a great saying: “Worrying won’t stop the bad stuff from happening. It just stops you from enjoying the good.” This is so true! The irony is that by worrying about what might happen, we’re not only missing the good in our life, but we are draining ourselves of the energy and strength we’d need if something did happen. What will be will be. We do our best to be safe and healthy, and that is the extent of our control. So stop. Rewire. Put a new chip in. Whatever it takes to blow out the old programming!

4. I’ve heard that the past equals the future.

No. Not true. Well, ok, we know when we leave ice cream out, it melts. It melted before so we know it will melt again. But as it relates to personal success, no. If that were the case, then Churchill, Edison, Lincoln, Einstein, Ford, and Macy would have given up. When we have setbacks or ‘failures,’ or experiences of not being good at something, it doesn’t mean we can’t do better the next time; it likely means we need to change how we think. Instead of focusing on what didn’t happen, have a positive mindset! If you’ve struggled with losing weight, stopping smoking, making more money, or living the life of your dreams, try again! Don’t make excuses to avoid pushing your limits!

No matter how old you are, it is never too late to unlearn your lessons!

What is it that you need to unlearn? I’d be curious to hear your thoughts/comments about what behavior or habits you have trouble changing. It would be great to share and help others who have the same challenges! Start a dialog by commenting below!

Last year at this time (for those of you who have been with me since then may remember), I decided that instead of New Year’s resolutions, I’d try to give myself advice in an attempt to make the coming year better. I decided to give said advice in a letter addressed to my younger self. Since we all (hopefully) continue to learn and grow, myself included, I have made a few additions to my letter for 2014.  I am proud to say that it was was published yesterday in the Orange County Register as seen below! Be sure to read to the end as I have a challenge for you!

Happy New Year everybody. May it be a year filled with physical good health, healthy relationships (including the one with ourselves), healthy wallets and savings accounts, and a healthy outlook for the coming year!! Good health all around!!

With much appreciation and gratitude,

Nancy